2010...Its a wrap!

Once again, we reflect of the past year and try to recall what our new year resolutions were a year ago.

It has been a mix of good and bad this year.

But I must say, we have all done pretty well, alhamdulillah.

Mum had her brain surgery and follow up MRIs have been promisingly good. She is much better in herself, but requires the daily dose of TLC from all her children. I do the best I can, though at times is never enough for some. And that includes me. I am a culprit to my own guilt. I recall taking care of my late husband. Nothing seemed to matter but him. I would walk 500 miles if it meant making him feel better. I would go sleepless if that was what it took. I was never tired. But I am tired now. Poor mum. Sorry. But, on a good note, she is meningioma free.

I resigned. Now in a new position doing exciting things. Though still not quite what I had expected and I keep having to tell myself to be patient. I'll get there soon enough. The blank canvas is being painted.

The 2 new additions to the family (my younger sister's baby and younger brother's baby) are the joy for both parents, grandparents and all their aunts, uncles and cousins. 2 healthy baby boys, which makes them grandkids number 16 and 17!

My kiddies have both done well in school and I am proud of them both. They have helped out with chores and cooking. They have taken on the new responsibilities with flying colours since we became maidless a few months ago.

My little man is now taller than me. Phew! What a relief. Being vertically challenged myself, I would not wish that for my son. Hahaha...nothing wrong with being short. It can be used to my advantage at the better of times!

And to my long distant most special friend.....I cannot believe that we are still holding strong. Well, I can actually. You are amazing and I thank Allah for crossing our paths. To you, thank you for sticking around, a "shoulder" to cry and lean on, to laugh with, and bare to hear about how my day went. To help me make those decisions, to sit down and work things out, and basically to whine and moan to. Thank you too for laughing at my jokes. (Not many do). Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving my past and my present.

And to my past, who will always be with me to this present and the future, I pray that you are kept well and be granted Jannah. We miss you dearly but have accepted with open hearts of what Allah has planned.

May Allah continue to give us rezeki, to shelter us and I can't wait to see what he has installed for me in 2011! Thank you Allah.

happy birthday abang

Another year passing.

He would have been 40 today.

We would have spent our 14th year anniversary recently.

It will be 7 years of not seeing him this December. That's exactly how long we were married.

We are reaching that equal mark. Soon, his passing will be longer than how long we spent married life together.

I'm still counting. Do I need to? Do I have to? Is it wrong to?

You know what? I can do what ever I feel I want. And today, I chose to continue counting.

So Abang, happy 40th birthday. I met you 20 years ago at your tender age of 20. Those were the days....we were young, felt invincible and the sky was our limit. We did good and I am proud to have been your wife and mother to our 2 children. They are doing well, and I cannot have asked for such beautiful, caring and lovely young people.

We miss you, and we pray that you are resting comfortably and be granted Jannah.
Amin.

Quick Entry

I've just arrived home, and sitting at the computer as I wait for the chicken to defrost.

The kids are outside, clearing the inflatable pool they enjoyed over the long weekend. Hearing their laughter now, it appears they are having as much fun emptying out the water as they had playing in it.

That's what it's all about, ei? Enjoying life's journey in all it's processes. Having fun creating it, having fun once it is created and enjoying it while clearing and ending it. It's sad that the pool will be folded up again.

But it will be inflated again in the near future. The cycle of life continues.

New everything!

Racing after life, and life's a race!

I've been away for a wee while, but here in spirit. The new job, the new and bigger responsibilities and the greater distance traveled (literally) to get to this new job with the new and bigger responsibilities have kept me away from my single fingered typing. Hence, the quietness from updating this blog.

In a way, it could be a sign of the mind being too busy to even slow down to think of what to type. As I drive home along the scenic E2, I always reflect and do have ideas, but never translated into typing.

So, how has it been? Interesting to say the least. I am still trying to settle down, being highly selective on what I want to do and not do this time. But, being in a non idealistic world, this honey moon phase was bound to end. My new job is like a blank canvas, waiting to be painted as I feel fit. Unfortunately, there are many artists around in my new place, and one biggie has grabbed my brush, with my hands still holding on to them, and has guided my painting to look a lot like what he wants it to look like. Not good.

But, being the new kid on the block, maybe I should let that painting dry a bit before I start to make some changes. Remember the last time I took out my brush? I was shoved into another state.....learn woman!

And further more.....we are now maidless. I thought I was going to die, but apparently, you don't die from being maidless. (Check diagnosis book on causes of death from a condition called "maidless"...nope, not there.)

So, 3 months into the new job, new position, new responsibilities, new friends, new bosses, new system, new office (the best part) things are not at all looking that bad. Other than the maid bit, but even that new role I've taken up with passion. Never thought I'd wake up on a Sunday morning so passionate about getting the laundry out on the line!

News of Her Life

I have never met her,

Yet she has touched my life.

I have never spoken to her,

Yet I have heard her voice,

I have never helped her,

But my prayers go out for her.

May Allah keep her safe in comfort,

May her family be kept strong,

May her husband and her boys,

Accept. Be Proud. Remember. Love.

Farewell Friday

Last Friday we went out for a farewell lunch. MY farewell lunch. It really is happening. I am leaving.

Scared and excited again. Another new adventure awaits. Each time a new challenge suffice, the stakes get bigger.

As I sit at my table now thinking how I will plan the next few years of my life, I realised that these plans belong more to the kids than mine. I am now tagging along their future. Has it come to that stage already? If things go as planned, my little man will be off in just a few years' time. Followed by my little princess...... Ohhhh. Grieving already? I used to be sad for those that leave. Now I am sad for those that are left behind. Will I cope to be on my own? Literally. By then, the kids will be in universities and they won't need me hovering over them anymore. They were the ones that have kept me going all these years. What will happen when they have gone away? I'll be alone. I wouldn't know what to do with myself! (Imagine me saying that!)

For now, I will take it as it is. For all you know, Allah may change everything that we have planned, as He can and has.

Friday Prayers

As I finished delivering my lecture at the Nursing College that Friday morning, my colleague invited me to join her for lunch. Friday lunches are always nice, as the break hours were longer to accommodate Friday prayers. To be honest, I have never attended a Friday prayer, as this was always a congregation of the male community. Nevertheless, there is always space provided in the mosque for female to attend.

As we got ready to go out for lunch, my friend introduced me to her group of friends that she works with. This was my first visit to her hospital and I was greeted with smiles and salam. The clinic Sister and Nurses were very friendly, and I felt as if we had known each other for years as the conversation became very "rancak". As we approached her car to go to this restaurant, one of her Medical Assistant (a guy) called out to join us. I looked at my watch. It was 12.30 midday, and there will be enough time for him to join us for lunch and then to Friday prayers.

He got in the car, and we drove to this very nice garden restaurant. It was a wee distant away from the hospital and I worried that we might not finish in time for him to make it back for prayers.

By 1pm, we were eating away, and the food was superlicious! But hey, everybody was taking their own sweet time, including this chap.

By 1.30pm, we were still there. I was getting uncomfortable to be sitting in the group, as it was obvious by then that he was not going to be attending the Friday Prayers. I was very disappointed in him, and the others who sat comfortably there chatting away. But who am I to judge? I don't even know them (other than my colleague). And why should I care? But I did....

I thought hard about it on my 2 hour drive home after lunch. What is happening to the Muslim community here? Are we so complacent and too comfortable, to be accepting such as 'biasalah' (common). It was also such a bold statement for him to make as well, to be sitting in public chatting and laughing while the obligatory prayers had started.

My eyes started to water. Why was this affecting me so much? I was saddened that for a Muslim, he boldly stated that he didn't care, and as a Muslim, I didn't say anything to him. But I suppose that is between him and Allah. But should I have said something? I know that I never want to associate myself with men in that category, personally. I hope Allah will guide me away from Muslims who do not practice the five pillars of Islam. But could it be that Allah guided me there to help him? To play part in my Dakwah as an Ummah?

Maybe, if he knew the benefits of the Friday prayer congregation, that every step taken to the mosque he will have the reward of fasting and praying qiyaam for one year, that his sins (excluding major sins) will be forgiven between the week of the Friday prayers, and that the angels will greet him at the front door of the mosque as he enters, like a VVIP in the eyes of Allah, and as he sits and listens to the khutbah, he will be surrounded by his fellow brothers, from which later he can exchange greeting and views, creating the close knit ummah as preached by Islam who will support him in good and in bad times...maybe he will attend?

Each man in there is a leader in his own rights. I hope my son will have enough guidance, enough faith, enough belief to grow up to be a good Muslim, and I would not like anything or anybody to come in the way of his faith.

The weight on my shoulders suddenly heavies as I reached home. That was definitely a long drive home.

sick of worrying, worrying to sickness

Doctors are the worst patients. We never follow our own advice, and we get the worst illnesses.
"Stop worrying" I told my patient. "It'll make your condition worst."

Anyway, I've had a bit more time to myself lately, mainly because I have just no desire to do anything else but. Hence, the more frequent entries the past few days. And as this blog is served to untangle mangled thoughts, here I go again.

Things on my mind:

Growing pains. 2 growing up kids going through the changes in life.

Societal stigma to widow-ism.

Inter-racial, inter-national, long distance relationship.

Religion.

Disability and unemployment.

Security.

Family expectations.

Job and career.

Balance.

The desire to make others do their best to keep up with what their potentials are is actually a part of my everyday job. Sometimes, I forget the boundaries between career and personal life. I push and push. They don't budge. Should I just accept that they do not want to change? Why is it so important to me to see those changes, when they themselves do not care less? Stupid me. It's tiring. For patients, I can discharge them. For people closer to me, I cannot.

So, I tell myself, stop putting in my energy in fighting a loosing battle. Those soldiers have put up a white flag, and its time to move on. Lets focus on more fruitful things. Time is running out, and we are not going to be here for ever.

And for those out there who thinks that all widows are desperate, PLEASE! Those are your own insecurities talking. Nevertheless, it is still painful to hear.

report card day

I took 2 hours off work yesterday morning to go and pick up the kids report cards.

I keep telling my children that number placings in class is not the ultimate reflection of their achievements. I wanted them to enjoy what they do and feel that what ever they have achieved is based on the belief that they have tried their best.

"What number did you get?" I remembered my father asking me when I was in standard 4. It was a hot evening and the ceiling fan was spinning at full speed. I looked up at him. My heart was pounding. I didn't do too well, and my number in the class had deteriorated from number 9 to 15 or 16. It wasn't the top 10 like last semester.

I gave him my report card.

He looked at it, and with dismay he immediately flung it up in the air. I remembered it hitting the spinning ceiling fan and tossed to the corner of the room.

No conversation. No reasoning. I scrambled to pick up the report card and ran to my room. And that was where it ended, though the pain and memory stuck till this day. I had to send back the report card to my class teacher tomorrow. Like any frightened young 10 year old, I decided to forge his signature. The next morning, he asked for it again, so he could sign it. Oh no.....

"Your son has done very well. He got 8As" complimented his teacher. "Unfortunately, he also got a B, C, D and an E. That has resulted his placings to go down in the bottom quartile although his total percentage was very good".

His Arabic subjects had brought him down. I knew he had tried his best, but the subjects were just too confusing for him that he didn't know what he didn't know. Instead of wanting to blame his teachers, or him directly, we discussed to see where the problem was, and how to find the solution. I didn't want my son to feel that he had disappointed anyone, as I knew he was already disappointed in himself.

"You can do it." his teacher encouraged him. We worked out a few solutions, and will see how he goes before the year end.

"Well done." I told him. For a young man, barely 13 years old, whom does his studies driven by his own will, never did I need to push him to open up his books or force him to tuition classes, I think this is where his future success skills will lie.

This is also one of the first few teacher parent meetings that I have found incredibly fruitful. Well done to his teachers too.

1st of July

Already?

Its the first day of the month.
It was supposed to be a significant day of change.
My new chapter was to begin today.

Indecisiveness has led to a delay. Actually, it was more of a denial and the unwillingness to move on. But I have done it. I had sent in my resignation and am now just waiting for their acceptance.

I love my current job and the people I work with. I love my patients. I will miss them all.

But, as I have learnt from the many many many years of experience, sometimes it takes a sacrifice to gain in life. I am loosing out in this new deal (demotion of grade) but, who knows, (except the Almighty), better days lay ahead.

Better stop thinking too much about it. It is 1.15am and I still have to go to work tomorrow.

Life with

Many a times, we think to ourselves.....

"What would life be without electricity, or television, or internet....."

"What would life be without a car, or running water, or plumbing....."

Unthinkable.

Uncopeable. (apparently not a word?)

For those with loved one.....the unimaginable question....."What would life be without him".

Life does continue without him. Mine has. It is just lately, I have been thinking a lot about how Life would have been With him. I have no regrets or have ever questioned why he left, as I have full faith in Allah and my religion gives me guidance and the answers.

I just wonder sometimes. What would it be like if he were still here today. Hmmmm.....

pre-birthday blues

This is so stereotypically typical.

Reflecting on my soon-to- be 38 years of life. Happy and grateful for my achievements, for the blessings of having two beautiful children to accompany me in my life, and for the wonderful eases, a roof over my head and food on the table everyday.

Although I have it all (oh no....here it comes), there is still a hollowness and emptiness no words can describe. I try to fill it with faith. I don't think I have enough. This hole is like the black hole, sucking the life of me....honestly, it feels like that at times.

Do you require a partner in life to have this hole filled? You know, I have a good friend, who listens and supports me. It's been great having him, and I don't think I am where I am today without him. And my sisters are also the best! Always there for a shoulder to cry on, even if they do cry with me too.

All in all, its sad to be alone, after loving someone so much, and loosing them. We had a bumpy ride before we got married, (not because of hatred or mistrusts or betrayals)..... it was more because we just wanted to be together, but couldn't. Our parents (mine) wanted us to finish our studies first, and we obliged. We waited. Now, he is gone. And I am alone. Tired. Old. And getting older....... this baby face won't keep up much longer. My fear is that I'll grow old looking like Micky Rooney. Who would want to spend life with a wife looking like Micky Rooney......Argh...

Hahaha. (giggling to myself, as I read back on this entry).

Never mind. I know I have someone who loves me now. And I know he still loves me too. Time and patience. God knows best.

Happy Birthday to me.

Another Beautiful Sunday

It's another beautiful Sunday morning, and mornings like this makes me want to shout and jump and just do stuff. No plannings involved. Just get in the car, go there, and do it!

Its amazing how the weather can control us so much.

As compared to yesterday, it was raining in the morning. I stayed in all day. Good did come out of it though, as I got my income tax filled out, and hopefully will get back a little pressie in a few months' time without much questions asked.

But for today, I'm off to get myself involved with the world. And I'm going to enjoy it!

Cleansing

Mum will be staying with me for a few days. She was discharged yesterday. Being with her doctor daughter is like having a security blanket. She has been through quite a journey since the diagnosis of her tumour, and I think she deserves to have her blanket. I don't mind. She prays that my sins will be forgiven and that I will be happy in this life and the life after. Doas from someone who is unwell is said to be makbul. Insya'Allah......Amen. What a wonderful gift for caring for your own mum.

Heaven lies beneath our mother's feet.

calmness and peace

To be honest, things aren't that bad.

But things aren't that good either.

Who would have thought, ei? At 31, you'd loose your husband.

6 years later, still alone.

It's not that bad really. Honestly, it isn't. Its just a little bit lonely. That's all. But the days are so packed with responsibilities, you don't have time to think about loneliness, until when its like....11.44pm, when the house is quiet, and the kids are asleep.

I miss the snuggles and the hugs.

I miss the jokes. I miss his cheeky smile. I miss talking to him.

But I won't die of loneliness. People don't. I've never signed a death cert with "Loneliness" as a cause of death. Or a "Broken Heart".

Other than that, I am getting along quite well. I am independent and I am managing everything on my own. Kids are happy. Its not that bad.

Career going along well. I am due for another promotion. The ball is rolling very fast in that department and I am not complaining.

The plan for our big trip is underway. It'll cut a big hole in my savings, but one thing I've learnt from my husband is to cherish quality time with the kids and not to worry too much about spending on ourselves. Money can be earned again later. As long as its spent carefully. The kids will grow up soon, and I won't have these opportunities for ever.....

So, I think its time to just lie peacefully in my double bed, free from disagreement and conflicts, close my eyes, recite my kalimah shahadah and sleep......

Hot Sunny Sunday

Its a hot day today.

Things tend to boil faster when its hot.

I sat at my computer going through all the paper work that was to be handed last friday at work. But, there were PLENTY of mistakes, and I had to redo them all.

The temperature was rising steadily as the morning sun shone through my bedroom window.

Recalling events from the last few weeks, feeling all that effort put in helping my mum's recovery repaid in resentment and anger from her.

Parents can be very hurtful. The more you do, the more they expect from you. Do they not realise that I could not cope with their demands? Everybody is demanding. Parents, kids, patients, bosses. Because I could not cope, last week I decided to let a few things go. Now I feel guilty for letting things go. Is there no end to this?

I think its time to curl up into a ball.......

Disappear for a while.......

To float away, weightless of any burden......

"UMI! Can you please fill out these forms. The school fees are due."
"UMI! I can't get the Publisher to paste my document......" whah? since when is she using MS Publisher....even I don't know how to use it.

THUD! That was a quick float.....who am I kidding?

Strength

Its been just over 3 weeks since mum had her seizure. The surgery went well, but she is back in hospital with an infection. A minor set back. Nothing too serious.

Why has taking care of her been so emotionally and physically strenuous? It has been so much different from taking care of my late hubby. I never felt this kind of tiredness then. Now, I feel torn apart between taking care of her, my responsibility and the guilt for not attending to my children, missing them dearly, the worry and uncertainty about work, my father's health and worrying about my new him. I do wonder now how I managed to take care of my late hubby those 4 years. How I used to get up at night to make sure he was still breathing. How I managed to drive and walk up and down the hospital, sleep on a foldaway chair while I was already full term in my pregnancy. Where is that person today? Did she die with him? I ponder at my own questions. I was given the strength then, and I thank Allah, as he had no one to care for him but me. Am I not sincere in caring for my mum? Am I such a bad person to be feeling so tired? Why has the strength not be given to me this time?

I am obsessively compulsive to do best for others.
Wanting to continue fighting a loosing battle.

Not wanting to admit that I was wrong.
Stubborn.

Today, I have decided to change myself for the better (I hope).
I will have to let go.
Learn to be not obsessive, uncompulsive.
Accept that perfection is not a realistic goal.
Learn to let go of something, even if we have worked hard for it, knowing we will not succeed.
To cut our losses.
To stop striving for the unachievable.

To let others take on the carer's role.
To let others make their own decisions. Learn to accept their decisions even if I don't agree with it, as I could be wrong.

I have been wrong.

Today I admit it.

Now, I can move on. I want to move on.
I have packed up my past. I have accepted my weaknesses. Like putting away his things in boxes, it was hard. I cherish the memories, but I cannot keep holding on too tightly to them. Tomorrow, I will move a step further. I will give away those boxes.

My love for him will never fade.

My love for my family is unmeasurable, incomparable. But I'm no superhero. I don't need to go and save the day.

2010

As the remnants of 2009 crap is carried over into 2010, I still look forward to this new year with optimism.

I hope to change my workplace so I no longer have to work under an idiotic dictator.

The new workplace is a blank canvas where I can spread my wings and develop a service that will benefit all.

The brain surgery mum will be undergoing next week will see cure and better health ahead.

The start of teenage-hood for my little man will see him grow into a strong character, filled with Iman and Intelligence.

My little princess will bloom into a young lady, loving, giving and caring. She has always been hard working and alhamdulillah, has always done well in school.

And for those who insist that I am still young and should find someone to share my life with, may I tell you all once again that I have found my perfect match. He is someone kind, caring, and thinks me as his world, the center of his Universe, the love of his life. He is my best friend. (Bonus points: He is cute, he sings and plays the guitar) His wanting to learn and his commitment to Islam in a society where propaganda and negativity against Islam can be at times overwhelming are characteristics of a strong family leader. He adores the children. What more do we need? Though we may be thousands of miles apart, we are more closer than some people can ever be.

And may all the family be given happiness, health and wealth. May the new additions to the family (2 new grandchildren for Atok and Wan) this year bring further joy to their parents.

To all my friends, thank you. Life wouldn't be the same without good friends. May you all get my jokes this year....

May Allah grant us our prayers. Amin.