Monday, March 17, 2008

family ties

I was just looking back at my previous entry, and I sounded a bit harsh about family and friends helping out. In fairness, everybody has commitments, and everybody has their own set of worries and troubles, just in different forms. I wouldn't have gotten by without my family and friends, and the thought of having them around is just as good. My sister for example has 6 children, all under the age of 13, and my sister in law has 5, all under the age of 9! Crikey O'Malley! Talk about having a full plate! These two wonderful ladies, full time mothers and full time professionals are amazing people. I also have another sister who is just too far away to help me physically, but I am sure she send her prayers, which is just as important, as for what they pray for maybe the reason why God has made it tolerable for me. As for my 3 brothers....well, I have no explanation for their ignorance about the whole situation. It must be something in the Y-chromosome......

Saturday, March 15, 2008

a full plate

When do you decide that there is just too much going on, that you no longer can cope? Sometimes, I think its just pure laziness, and if I exert myself a bit more, I will be able to get it all done. Whats on my plate? I have two children, and as beautiful a gift they are from God, this morning I had to take away the ASTRO smart card. One is a football maniac, while the other isn't.....Conflicting interests results in intermittent changing of channels and wails of shouts and crying. I also have my Masters degree thesis to finish, case reports, medical reports to write, study for my final exams, and work full time. I also have a maid that can't differentiate dairy products from, dairy products go in the shelves under the sink while detergent can find their way into the fridge. Food shortages in the pantry is a never ending saga, something in the house breaks down on a daily basis and there is always the question of making ends meet with all the bills. Making sure the household and domestic affairs are looked into, taxes paid, lawn mowed and that I am not harvesting aedes mosquitoes in the backyard. Not to mention parents with never ending medical ailments, yet never wanting to listen to advice....Then, there is the love of my life who is so far away. How do I cope? How do I know that I am not coping? I took care of everybody, except myself. I became ill. It took a major illness for my body to tell me that 'enough is enough'! Yet, there is nothing on my plate that i can discard. Everything is essential.
Help from family and friends. Easy said, then actually done. Though I know everybody has the great intentions to help, its just not that easy. Call if you need me, they say. I am always here for you, they say. Tell us what you need, they ask. Don't worry about asking for help, they tell me. Yet, I am still alone, driving myself to the hospital for my blood tests and medical check ups. Yet, I drag my feet to the shops to buy groceries to feed my children. I have asked, but when I see how hard it is for them to deliver, I feel guilty. It even feels worst when siblings start to squabble over who should do it.....never mind, I'll do it myself.
I am grateful that God has given me the strength. I am strong. Strong willed to survive this test that He has given me. I have never been a quitter, and I will not be starting now. My late husband has taught me a great lesson in life, and his strength and will power flows in me today. This setback in health is temporary, God willing, and I will be back on my feet soon. Again, this is just another reminder from Allah to me, to make me a better person, and to forgive my previous sins.

Sunday, March 2, 2008


His lungs were failing him. It broke my heart when the physician said that it would be best he be put on home oxygen therapy. I nodded my head in agreement. He was getting tired, and even short sentences were an effort. I looked at him, head slumped in despair as the reality of it all kicks in. "Its ok" I told him. We will arrange something. We had a few options. Robust oxygen cylinders that need refilling every few days, or we could buy machines called oxygen concentrators. It would make him more mobile. Costs were an issue though, as the mobile ones costs RM18 000, and the larger home based ones were RM6 000. We wanted both, so at least he can still get out and about as the mobile ones had car extension leads to them. The disadvantage of these mobile ones were that it was pulse driven. He still had to make an effort to take a deep breath for the oxygen to be released from the machine. The bigger ones were continuous release.
RM24000.....that was half our life savings. He saw me hesitate when we were making that decision, one of the few things I regret till today. I wish I hadn't hesitated so much to buy it. He looked at me and said "You can sell it when I am gone". The words still echo in my ears.....
Material and money are replaceable. Though I spend wisely, because being a single mum with a single income is a challenge on its own these days, I will not hesitate to spend on my children. We never know when we will no longer be able to enjoy the nikmat that The Almighty has given us on this earth, as life here is so temporary.