Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Signs of Prosperity

Today I went out for lunch on a girlie outing with one of my best friends. Its been nearly 2 years since I've been out on an outing with my galfriends without the kids.

All excited, I got ready for my little outing. Took my jeans out from the drawer, slipped my legs through and pulled it up.

It got stuck. Must have shrunk in the wash.

Maybe if I did a quick jump and a simultaneous pulled up, gravity will aid me.

I left the house wearing a pair of 'baju kurung'.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Living within the rules of social taboo?

Someone told me that I should be more careful and tactful by my ways. I am a widow now. It was just a reminder.


I think you have been watching too much RTM afternoon Malay dramas (the re-runs).

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Return to Wellness

Its been a year long illness, and today, I am officially off medication. This experience has been painful not only for me, but most of all to my beautiful children who took good care of me. Come June, I will be working full time again, and isya'Allah, I have learnt to pace myself. (but knowing me.....maybe not) But I realise now that a sick mummy is no good to anyone. In fact, I have in a way taken away a year of joy from my kids. There were days when I was so unwell, my son would tuck me in to sleep, close the drapes, switch on the air conditioner and mosquito pad thingy (ubat nyamuk)....Then, he would tip-toe out of the room after kissing me good night. Aww my poor baby has been forced to grow up so quickly. He has taken on the role as the man of the house with flying colours, and I am so proud of him.

Never the less, any experience must be good somehow. I can say, in my 36 years of life, God has given me the richness of experiences. I have experienced love and loss, I've been a wife and now a widow, I have experienced pregnancies and childbirth, I have experienced living, studying and working in many parts of the world, I have experienced illness and the woes of being a patient, I have experienced being a carer to a terminally ill spouse, I am experiencing life as a single parent and now, I am experiencing the joy of returning to health, much taken for granted by many. I must say, I have definitely taken the more scenic route, the longer winded roads and far more riskier paths, and so far, and I do not plan to stop. Life is to be experienced with guidance from the Almighty.

I hope, God willing, with these experiences, it will make me a better person, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better auntie, a better doctor and a better friend.

Short Term Plan: this weekend we are going BOWLING! Whoo-hooo!
Long Term Plan: The sky is the limit.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Just a story

It had just passed 7pm when I arrived home from work, and my bladder was bursting! As soon as I walked through the front door, I was greeted by my husband with "Air kosong ais", which in translation means Iced water.

He had this extreme need of having iced water. It wasn't just cold chilled water from the fridge, it had to be extremely cold iced water. He once said the chemotherapy felt like a burning sensation and that made him burn inside. Iced water had always helped.

"Hi Abang. What a day!" I said as I sighed.

"Air kosong ais" he replied, trying to hide his cheeky grin.

"I really need the loo." I replied. His iced water needed special preparation, as he liked the ice to be crushed in the chilled water, and with a bladder so full like mine, it wasn't a good idea to do it there and then.

"Air kosong ais" I heard him say again.

We didn't have a toilet downstairs, so I ran up the stairs to our bathroom. Got to the toilet and enjoyed the bliss of release.....ahhhhhh. Sat on the toilet for a few moment, as I find it quite relaxing and therapeutic. I get most of my best ideas while on the toilet....but thats another blog in its entirety.

Anyway, as I was enjoying the tranquility of my pink toilet, I heard the phone ringing downstairs. Then, a little voice outside my toilet door called for me.

"Umi, phone" said my 5 year old.

"Umi is in the toilet, can you ask then to call back?" and I heard little feet run down the stairs.
2 seconds later, the little feet was back up and knocking on my bathroom door again.

"Umi, dia kata emejensi" said my son again.

Emergency? This must be important. I quickly washed what was needed to be washed and ran downstairs.

"Hello?" as I picked up the phone.

"Air kosong ais" said a familiar voice on the other line.

I turned around and saw my husband sitting on the chair with his mobile to his ear, but this time, he couldn't hide the cheeky smile.
I put the phone down and gave him 'the look'. We exchanged a few friendly slaps and I surrendered to his demands.

Then I went to the kitchen to make him his air kosong ais.

Till today, this is one of the favourite stories my children love to hear. They would crack up laughing each time. Umi was dooped....yes, yes, very funny, as I laughed with them too.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Tagged! I'm it!

8 Random facts about me......(tagged by myheartbleeds)

1. I can't swim.

2. I can't cook.

3. When I study, I have to have all my references sprawled on the floor for easy access.

5. I like to sing and make up my own mini songs on the guitar.

6. I enjoy playing games with my children.

7. My friends at work don't get my jokes, but that doesn't stop me from telling them. I enjoy the confused expressions on their faces and their polite laughs, which makes me laugh even more.

8. As a result of no.7, I laugh at my own jokes......

Friday, May 2, 2008

Widow woes

Car problems (again) and this time it had to be towed to the garage. I was on my way to the hospital for my appointment and was feeling groggy as usual. Now, I was also causing a massive jam for morning travelers rushing to work. Luckily I was on the left lane, and managed to 'guide' the car to the left, off the road. The engine had died all together.

Who do I call? What do I do? My head was a bit light-headed from the morning heat, and side effects of the medication I was taking. Luckily, the car was still under waranty and I called up the road side help line provided by the car insurance. Gave the details of my whereabouts and the tow truck arrived 45 minutes later......phew!

Got to the garage, all sweaty and red. Greeted by my mechanics, who knew me well, since we have been coming here since 2001.
"Ei? New car kaput already?" smiled the senior mechanic. Yes yes yes, rub it in.
I gave him the keys, quick run down of what had happened, and he immediately knew what the problem was. This model was infamous for that problem apparently.
Then I plomped myself in the refreshing air-conditioned waiting room while I read some journals I had brought with me.
"oh, what can I say. If she wants to wear a tudung, she should wear it correctly" said a voice. I looked up from my journal as a lady showed me the tabloid she was reading. It was a picture of Siti Nurhaliza in some function with a drape hanging on her head and shoulders bared with a short sleeved top. "Artist" gossip never interest me. I smiled at her and continued my reading. But, apparently she wanted to have a conversation with me as she waited for her car to get fixed. "its totally her choice. If she doesn't want to wear it, then don't" she continued.
"yes" I said.
"I mean, respect those that are wearing tudung by not mocking it. She is an idol here, and what she wears will be followed by many younger girls". This lady was determined to say her mind, so I let her.
"I agree" I replied.....I was a bit tired from the morning events to dwell on siti's hair attire.
"I have 2 grown up daughters, both went to Chinese schools. The eldest is finishing her degree and the 2nd is about to enter university now."
"Excellent." I said. This topic interested me more than talking about Siti.
"Yes, it was tough for the girls to attend a Chinese stream school, but we found that the discipline was a lot better and they have done well. My two sons couldn't handle it though and left after completing primary school. They are now in Kebangsaan schools."
"How are they doing?" I asked.
"I think its just boys' nature not to be too interested in school, but they are clever boys, and are doing well. Just can't get them to organise themselves well to be disciplined enough to drive themselves. I have to tell them what to do everyday."
I smiled as I listened on to her woes.
"Its harder for me, you see." She continued. "My husband passed away 6 years ago, and I had to raise the 4 children on my own".
I looked at her with empathy.
"Oh, but you wouldn't understand. You would have to go through it yourself to fully understand how hard it is. It was hard." She kept on going. "My husband died of throat cancer. He suffered 10 months before he passed on."
I was speechless.
"I felt my world had ended. The children needed me, and I was the only one there for them. I didn't know what to do then." She said as she shook her head.
All I could do was look at her and gave her a smile, trying to tell her that I did know what she went through, as I too went and still is going through the same experiences. But I couldn't say anything to her. I was not willing to share that part of my past with her, as willing as she was with me.
"Anyway" she said, "The kids have grown up now, and my youngest is in form 1 and the eldest is about to graduate. So, I guess we did survive".
"Yes" I smiled back at her and nodded my head.
Suddenly, a man opened the door and poked his head into the waiting room.
"Have you seen my wallet?" He asked. I recognised the man as the one that was sleeping on the other couch earlier.
"You may have dropped it while you were sleeping on that chair earlier Abang" said the lady. The man looked for it in between the cushions but couldn't find it.
"Did you bring it at all when we left the house Bang?" she asked him. The man just shook his head and left to look outside the garage.
"My husband always misplaces things. I think its all age related" said the lady.
I smiled in acknowledgment.
She then left the waiting area to help her husband look for the missing wallet.

A few things crossed my mind later that day. Why was I not willing to tell her that I too had gone through those same experiences? And why was I surprised when I found out that she had remarried?

Again, my unwillingness to share my past experieneces with this lady is the reason why I am writing my feelings down in this blog. I am not ready to 'expose' myself. I feel vulnerable when people can see my weaknesses, know what's going on in my head, what i am feeling in my heart.....I am not the "Petite n Powerful" I set out myself to be. Its more of "Petite n Pathetic". Hence, the anonymity. If people know who I am, I may not be able to write this. This is my venting space, as I have lost the person who could hear me out, tolerate my detailed stories of the daily on goings, tolerate my mood swings and not question my oddities. So, for those who may have figured out who I am, keep it to yourself (for now, until I am ready).

Remarrying. I am happy that she had found another partner in life. Was her expressing her woes a way of telling me that she wasn't coping and justifying her needs to remarry? I don't know. But, we shouldn't need to justify our actions, when it comes to decisions like marriage. If 'jodoh' is there, then don't fight it. Nobody should question us as adults making these decisions. I am sure that she had thoroughly thought things through, her needs, her children's needs, her happiness, her wants and desires. I remind myself that loosing a spouse doesn't mean that our lives have stopped. We are still very much alive. And living alone for the rest of our lives is a scary and morbid thought. What normally sane person would want to wish that for themselves?