I had a dream with him in it last night.
I suppose it is that time of the year, coming close to Ramadhan, that I feel the "pinch" to be more painful. The "missing him" to be more evident. The "memories" being more surreal.
We were standing together. It was like at a corner of a building, as people were passing by us. People we knew, but I don't recall them now. Then suddenly, a lady, a familiar figure, his sister I think, started shouting at him and pointing her index finger towards him.
"You are no father! You are not a good husband either" I heard her shout while angrily she pointed her finger to him.
I turned around to face him, but could not see his face. I was standing too close to see his face. But I hugged him tight as I put my arms around his waist and rested my head against his chest. He was a tall(er) man. I heard his heart beating and felt his chest move with his breathing. In the background, his sister continued to yell. But it did not matter, as hugging him was like the most comforting thing in this world!
Then I woke up.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Widow-to-Widow
As her 6 year old daughter, laid her tired & weary head on her lap, closing her eyes, she immediately fell into deep sleep. It's been a long evening for everyone. An even longer night as they wait for daylight for the burial. It was a sudden death, her husband collapsing at work and was pronounced dead on arrival to hospital. He was well earlier that morning.
Now, she is widowed. Her husband gone from this earth forever. He was only in his 40s. They have 5 children, the youngest only 6.
The pain I felt for her was far too familiar. The tears she cried felt wet on my cheeks. Her empty heart beating was echoing in my ears. Her loss made my knees weak. What the children were feeling, only Allah knows.
As I hugged her before we left her house, a widow to another, nothing needed to be said. She knew I understood.
As people started leaving, going back to their own normal lives, hers was changed forever. My soul shifted from present to past to present again that evening. It was an emotionally moving evening, a turmoil of memories as semi healed scars were scalded again with salt.
Today, just a mere 4 days after his passing, she was out and about doing what was needed to be done. They do say that Allah only gives these challenges to those that can take the challenge. She and the children have been given a special gift, that will lift them above the rest, Insya'Allah.
I gave her a wave and smiled at her boys as they were kicking the football around their front yard, as I drove by to get on with my day, my life. May Allah give her the strength too, as it was given to me.
Al-Fatihah to her husband.
Now, she is widowed. Her husband gone from this earth forever. He was only in his 40s. They have 5 children, the youngest only 6.
The pain I felt for her was far too familiar. The tears she cried felt wet on my cheeks. Her empty heart beating was echoing in my ears. Her loss made my knees weak. What the children were feeling, only Allah knows.
As I hugged her before we left her house, a widow to another, nothing needed to be said. She knew I understood.
As people started leaving, going back to their own normal lives, hers was changed forever. My soul shifted from present to past to present again that evening. It was an emotionally moving evening, a turmoil of memories as semi healed scars were scalded again with salt.
Today, just a mere 4 days after his passing, she was out and about doing what was needed to be done. They do say that Allah only gives these challenges to those that can take the challenge. She and the children have been given a special gift, that will lift them above the rest, Insya'Allah.
I gave her a wave and smiled at her boys as they were kicking the football around their front yard, as I drove by to get on with my day, my life. May Allah give her the strength too, as it was given to me.
Al-Fatihah to her husband.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
another late night
Tomorrow is another day.
Lets get some rest now.
A lot of people are depending on you.
Lets get some rest now.
A lot of people are depending on you.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
nick names
I do wonder..... but deep inside me, I know he comes and visits. Just to make sure that I am ok.
I am ok. A bit battered, but ok.
And forever, I will always be his little Pikita, his no nose shorty. And my nick names for him...other than big nose, I cannot say as it is politically incorrect and out right wrong. But that makes it even more special...to be able to laugh at each others' short falls. YES, I said Short...ya ya ya. (he would laugh at that...and so would I).
Miss him.
I am ok. A bit battered, but ok.
And forever, I will always be his little Pikita, his no nose shorty. And my nick names for him...other than big nose, I cannot say as it is politically incorrect and out right wrong. But that makes it even more special...to be able to laugh at each others' short falls. YES, I said Short...ya ya ya. (he would laugh at that...and so would I).
Miss him.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Weekend Cap
It has been a weekend of cleaning up and reminiscing.
I have put away some of the precious momentous for safe keeping, but I have a tendency of keeping them in such "safe" places, never to be found again.
But its all "up" there and deep "in" here. While I still have my mind and my heart, it will be safe.
Then, I ended the evening with the usual clothes folding while watching telly. Tonight, the "Sixth Sense" was on.
I remember watching this with him in 1999. Before he got sick. I've always loved that movie, and we used to joke about the famous line of "seeing dead people", but in a different context.
"Did you get the issue settled?" He would ask me.
"Abang" I replied to tell him. "I see people. I see stupid people".
"That's a No then." He would say, as I nodded my head.
Tonight, watching the movie again, brought a different angle to the movie. Plethora of memories, and the closeness to relate to loss and talking to the deceased. To me, I do whisper his name at night before I go to bed. The sound of his name somehow lingers and makes his past presence seems not too far of a distant. I don't think it's a sign of insanity. Believe you me, I've done crazier things. BUT, if the room suddenly gets cold and I see vapour of mist coming out of my mouth, then yes, I will exercise my rights as a government servant to seek the best psychiatric help.
I have put away some of the precious momentous for safe keeping, but I have a tendency of keeping them in such "safe" places, never to be found again.
But its all "up" there and deep "in" here. While I still have my mind and my heart, it will be safe.
Then, I ended the evening with the usual clothes folding while watching telly. Tonight, the "Sixth Sense" was on.
I remember watching this with him in 1999. Before he got sick. I've always loved that movie, and we used to joke about the famous line of "seeing dead people", but in a different context.
"Did you get the issue settled?" He would ask me.
"Abang" I replied to tell him. "I see people. I see stupid people".
"That's a No then." He would say, as I nodded my head.
Tonight, watching the movie again, brought a different angle to the movie. Plethora of memories, and the closeness to relate to loss and talking to the deceased. To me, I do whisper his name at night before I go to bed. The sound of his name somehow lingers and makes his past presence seems not too far of a distant. I don't think it's a sign of insanity. Believe you me, I've done crazier things. BUT, if the room suddenly gets cold and I see vapour of mist coming out of my mouth, then yes, I will exercise my rights as a government servant to seek the best psychiatric help.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tiger In the Making....
Oh dear. It has been a long week. And as you can see, as the emotion goes into turmoil, the more entries I make. This week, the "enterichter" has gone off the seismic scale.
It has been a roller coaster week. Really happy adrenalin endorphin driven days followed by depressing depache mode days.
Today was a mixed bag. Started off with "Boss to Subordinate" confrontation which ended WITHOUT any slamming doors or stomping feet. I think I've learned to keep my cool. Previously when I had to confront a collegue, I would get tongue tied and heart pounding in my throat. It didn't happen this time. Quite proud of how I handled the situation. Pat myself on the back....
We then visited the new campus. Lovely place and hopefully can move in before the year end. Maybe a corner office?....In my dreams. A room with a window would do.
In the afternoon, it was teaching rounds. Again, I managed to make another cry.
Look, I am not anywhere a fierce looking nor fierce acting person. I do expect a level of performance, outcome and I do run a tight ship. Ok, am I spelling out myself as the super B*!@& boss.......???
It has been a roller coaster week. Really happy adrenalin endorphin driven days followed by depressing depache mode days.
Today was a mixed bag. Started off with "Boss to Subordinate" confrontation which ended WITHOUT any slamming doors or stomping feet. I think I've learned to keep my cool. Previously when I had to confront a collegue, I would get tongue tied and heart pounding in my throat. It didn't happen this time. Quite proud of how I handled the situation. Pat myself on the back....
We then visited the new campus. Lovely place and hopefully can move in before the year end. Maybe a corner office?....In my dreams. A room with a window would do.
In the afternoon, it was teaching rounds. Again, I managed to make another cry.
Look, I am not anywhere a fierce looking nor fierce acting person. I do expect a level of performance, outcome and I do run a tight ship. Ok, am I spelling out myself as the super B*!@& boss.......???
Shoes, Bananas and Pointlessness
It is going to be another long night. 20 papers to whiz through before Friday afternoon. We'll see how we go. And, as long as I am up, may even catch the Spain Portugal game later.
But just to side track the mind a little, I think I need some "time out" from the papers and just let my mind roll free for a few minutes.
Bananas. Yes, my mind is rolling free and it's thinking about bananas. Well, it was actually what my daughter wanted this evening. Apparently, the only way that she can run very fast for her sprint tomorrow at the school sports day is by eating bananas. And by having a pair of new running shoes. So, being the mummy that I am, we went out after dinner and we bought a pair of light running shoes...... and bananas.
Well, that was a pointless story. Maybe I'll come up with a better pointed story later.
But just to side track the mind a little, I think I need some "time out" from the papers and just let my mind roll free for a few minutes.
Bananas. Yes, my mind is rolling free and it's thinking about bananas. Well, it was actually what my daughter wanted this evening. Apparently, the only way that she can run very fast for her sprint tomorrow at the school sports day is by eating bananas. And by having a pair of new running shoes. So, being the mummy that I am, we went out after dinner and we bought a pair of light running shoes...... and bananas.
Well, that was a pointless story. Maybe I'll come up with a better pointed story later.
Monday, June 25, 2012
2am thinking.....
It is 2.04am monday morning. As the Euro 2012 fever continues, my son insists that we watch this early morning game. Its going to be a good one.
I suppose I have taken up the multifaceted role in bringing up the children. My teenage son needs that father figure and some buddy time to talk about sports and stuff. I am glad that I do sincerely enjoy sports, so its no big issue. But he needs more, and I can see that being more evident as the days go by.
Am I being selfish for staying unmarried after 9 years? I do enjoy the "freedom". Not freedom to hu-ha & party & mingle type of freedom....on the contrary. I spend less time socialising now than ever! Just don't feel comfortable about it. Even going to weddings are a torture. Anyway, when it comes to freedom, it means more towards being able to decide for myself and the kids without having to think of another person. Downside: having to decide for myself and the kids without having the opinion and help of another person.
Hmmmm......
Just a 2.04am thought.
I suppose I have taken up the multifaceted role in bringing up the children. My teenage son needs that father figure and some buddy time to talk about sports and stuff. I am glad that I do sincerely enjoy sports, so its no big issue. But he needs more, and I can see that being more evident as the days go by.
Am I being selfish for staying unmarried after 9 years? I do enjoy the "freedom". Not freedom to hu-ha & party & mingle type of freedom....on the contrary. I spend less time socialising now than ever! Just don't feel comfortable about it. Even going to weddings are a torture. Anyway, when it comes to freedom, it means more towards being able to decide for myself and the kids without having to think of another person. Downside: having to decide for myself and the kids without having the opinion and help of another person.
Hmmmm......
Just a 2.04am thought.
Independence
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Status Update
It has definitely been a while since I have been here. I suppose that is a good sign, as the reason I began writing was to de-clutter the old nutter.....
Anyway, it is a beautiful Saturday afternoon. As I sat on my wooden swing at the side porch, with the wind blowing against my face, I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness which I wanted to share with somebody. Anybody.
Out came the laptop once more as I start typing after a very long absence. This time, it isn't the whiney "OMG my life is so sad" type of blog.
Status update: hmmmmm.....I has been a good few months. I am still head of department (believe it or not), got some papers published, going to present another paper abroad at a conference soon, got my confirmation and now promoted to a higher grade. I will also be enjoying the 13% increase in pay when that gets deposited into my account next week. So, work life, no complaints.
Family life, doing well there too. My son will be receiving an award tomorrow at school for best student in English. Baby Princess is also doing well in school. Most importantly, they are enjoying their studies and I have not had to lift a finger to push them along. Mum and dad are doing well too. I've managed to loosen the strings a bit in terms of their medical care, so that they can take a bit of responsibilty on self care. Just in case I go away for a wee while, at least it doesn't leave them in a position where they can't take care of themselves.
Where am I going? Hahaha....I have big plans ahead. Lets see where fate takes me, but I will try my best to do what I have planned. Insya'Allah, if He blesses me with this new path.
Anyway, it is a beautiful Saturday afternoon. As I sat on my wooden swing at the side porch, with the wind blowing against my face, I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness which I wanted to share with somebody. Anybody.
Out came the laptop once more as I start typing after a very long absence. This time, it isn't the whiney "OMG my life is so sad" type of blog.
Status update: hmmmmm.....I has been a good few months. I am still head of department (believe it or not), got some papers published, going to present another paper abroad at a conference soon, got my confirmation and now promoted to a higher grade. I will also be enjoying the 13% increase in pay when that gets deposited into my account next week. So, work life, no complaints.
Family life, doing well there too. My son will be receiving an award tomorrow at school for best student in English. Baby Princess is also doing well in school. Most importantly, they are enjoying their studies and I have not had to lift a finger to push them along. Mum and dad are doing well too. I've managed to loosen the strings a bit in terms of their medical care, so that they can take a bit of responsibilty on self care. Just in case I go away for a wee while, at least it doesn't leave them in a position where they can't take care of themselves.
Where am I going? Hahaha....I have big plans ahead. Lets see where fate takes me, but I will try my best to do what I have planned. Insya'Allah, if He blesses me with this new path.
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