Monday, September 19, 2011

Taking Time Off from Work

Little Princess was under the weather today. (I should stop calling her that as she is growing up so fast.....Young Lady Princess?)

Anyway, the young lady woke up with a fever. Her brother looked at her suspiciously...

"Yes, she is sick" I assured him.

So, off he went to school and I contemplated about work. What a wonderful excuse to take the day off work to catch up on work. That sounded bad...from both a motherly perspective and a professional one too. But my instinct tells me I should try to stay at home. So, I made a few phone calls, (quite a few!...almost took me 45 minutes to settle and delegate work) and I informed the office about my Emergency Leave.

Ok, settled the young lady with her breakfast and plenty of fluids.

Then I sat at my computer and did as much work as I could.

Come midday I get a call from the The Boss.

"I'm on leave today Sir....... ok.......just today. I'll be back at work tomorrow"

There was an uncomfortable silence on his side. I knew he wanted me to come in.

"Ok, I'll make myself available. What time? 3.30pm. Ok, I'll see you then". Urgh. Succumbed to his demands (again).

Had to leave the house with Young Lady alone for a few hours until Big Brother came home. She said she would be fine.

Got to the meeting. Sat down. A red faced Caucasian was visiting, and somebody obviously forgot to put on sunscreen during a sunny outing....

I looked at him. I know this guy....where have I seen him before?

I thought very hard.....and BINGO! I know! Hahahaha....I giggled to myself. He was the spitting image of Leslie Nielsen. Great. Now I had to take the image of Naked Gun 2½ out of my head and at least try to concentrate. Hehehehe....not doing a good job at it though.

Oh well, at least I got a bit of pleasure at laughing to myself through the meeting, on my day off of work.

Friday, September 16, 2011

In the mood....for nothing

Its been a hectic, emotionally draining 4 weeks. I've been keeping myself busy with things both at work and at home. Most of work comes home though, so basically its been all work....

A big chunk has been completed, but the next wave is on it's way. I can see the tide residing before the next tsunami hits shore. I hope this little gap is enough for a breather.

So tonight, I am in the mood for nothing. Maybe a "non-gray matter required" movie? Sleep sounds good too.

Oh, how I wish I had my doses of evening comfort. Not only that, he was my pillar of strength and just knowing that he was there for me meant the world. Knowing that he was there to listen to my daily rants, give me sound advice, and someone to talk to and lean on. Then followed the doses of laughter with our silly jokes and things we are 'not allowed to say'. The sheeps and monkeys have ears you see......I hope I was as good for him as he was for me. Oh, I miss him so much.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"Hi! I'm sitting under an umbrella in a building....."

These are the quirky weird things I like telling him.

And yes, I am sitting under an umbrella in a building, drinking expensive coffee and eating dry cake that tastes like cardboard. And yes, I have tasted,there is a point of reference there.

Anyway, on duty for the next three days. Kids are not with me and I already miss them terribly. But I will take this opportunity to write up my paper in record time. I have 2 days to write the paper! Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can.

But blogging will not help with my mission though....

Monday, September 5, 2011

Post 101

Yes, it's post number 101.

Hmmmm......either I have too much time on my hands, or I spend too much time at the PC. But writing does help with untangling the thoughts, especially when you really don't have that special someone to talk too.

Don't get me wrong, family support has been the greatest, and I could not have asked for any better. But for those that are "spoused", you know that there are things that only spouses can be told, where the info is received and digested. Or it could be that they have no choice but to receive and digest. Nevertheless, they are there.

And I miss that.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Trying to Keep the Ties

I'm not sure how to keep the ties strongly bonded after his mum passed away in May. This year will be the first Eid without her back at Kampung.

"Umi, will we be going back to Teluk Intan?"asked the kids.

We have never failed to go back to visit during Eid festivities after his passing, except for the year that we were abroad. The reason was mainly to visit his mum and cousins.

Now that she is gone, the house has been left unoccupied. We no longer have a place to go home to. My sister in law has a house there, but it is just not quite the same.

We decided to do a day trip back on 3rd Eid.

The trip there was a smooth drive as the roads were relatively empty. We chatted in the car, as the kids kept me talking (and kept me awake). We recalled the first few trips home after their ayah passed away. Little Princess was barely 4 years old. She took the drive back to Teluk Intan very badly, crying and screaming most of the way there. I wonder what was going through her head then. She must have felt so confused, and the trip must have been an emotional drain to her. When we reached Grandma's house, she refused to get out of the car....The whole neighbourhood must have heard her scream.

Gradually, just like everything else, things got better.

We reached Teluk Intan in good time.

"Can we see ayah's old school?" a favourite request by the kids.

"How did ayah go to school?" they asked.

"Ayah walked to school." I replied, and another favourite story about how he had lost his shoes walking in the mud after heavy rain was told again.

We drove the long way to my sis in law's house so as just to drive by mum's place. We slowed down as the kids looked on. The house from the outside was clean and very empty. Her pot plants on the car porch were no longer there. It was lifeless. No cars, no grandchildren gathering and sitting out on the porch this year, all the windows closed shut.

We got to my sister's place just in time for lunch. It was a lovely lunch cooked by my niece. We chatted about the woes of sibling squabbles and issues about inheritance. I hope they can work things out. Only my other sis in law was there. None of the other siblings came home this year. A true test of keeping ties strong. Being an in-law, I am not sure of how to keep it strong. I wish Abang was around. Even though he was the youngest, he would and could knock some sense into them.

After a very full and filling lunch, I dozed off. Yes yes, spare tyres in the making....

By 5pm, refreshed after a nap, had some tea, it was time to head home.

We stopped by to visit his mum and dad's grave.

Then the usual Petai purchase at Bidor.

The trip back was a lot heavier in traffic volume. We got home at 10pm. Tired but satisfied. As the kids grow older, I hope they will continue to keep the ties strong with cousins on their dad's side.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Drive by

It was a cloudy drive home from work today. As I approached the bend next to the bridge, I muted the radio and I recited the Al-Fatihah. It has become a ritual comfort each time I go to work, and on my return home to pass by his resting place to recite Al-Fatihah.

Today, amongst the clouds, I felt a warm ray onto my cheek as a the sunshine peeked between. It was like a warm kiss from him as I drove by.

Thank you sayang. I'll pass by again tomorrow.

Missing you just as much as the first night we parted.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


The day had begun as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until the phone rang.

It was my sister in law. The one that was caring for their mum. The news did not strike me by much surprise. She had passed away in her sleep.

The kids by then had both left for school. I made a few calls to work, to my family and arranged the day to attend the burial. I was quite rational and clam. I had decided that the kids need not come as they were taking their semester exams. But as I got ready, I heard his voice whisper in my ear as he said "Ambiklah" (go get them). I froze for a good minute. What was I thinking? The kids were very close to her. She adored them, as they were her connection to her late son, as she was the main link to their late dad. The kids needed to say their good-byes.

I picked them up from school. Such bewildering looks in their eyes as they saw me at their schools. I explained what had happened. My son took the news as a man, shielding back the tears. The more I saw how hard he was trying, the sadder I became. I was the one that broke down into tears.

We managed to kiss her before her coffin was lowered into the grave. Her skin felt lifeless.

My late husband adored her with his life. Even as he was about to leave us, he reminded me to look after her well being after his funeral. Her passing today brought back unexplained feelings of loss. I feel we had lost a piece of him again today.

Al-fatihah to my mum in law and thank you to my parents, my brothers and sisters, friends who accompanied us physically and spiritually through another grieving day.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sharing of Passion

As I sat at my PC this evening, I heard my son scream with joy downstairs as Liverpool scored their first goal against ManU.

I shift restlessly in my seat as I hear the excitement in his voice as he watched the match alone. We usually watch the Liverpool matches together, if the time isn't anything after midnight.

"WHOOOAAA!" he yells again.

Ok, that was it! I ran down to see what the commotion was all about.

We watched the match together and experienced a well deserving win by Liverpool. Suarez was a good buy and worked wonders with Kuyt. We are pleased.

My passion for football began with my late husband. He was passionate about the game and enjoyed watching it. What he enjoyed, I enjoyed too. I love sharing with the ones I love, be it sports, food, travel, career or even depache mode.

Sharing a passion with a loved one makes it even more passionate.

But as a result of watching football, I now have to burn a bit of the midnight oil to finish this research proposal.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Too Well Adapted

7 years and 3 months.

I have been a single mummy for 7 years and 3 months. I have achieved a lot in the past 7 years and 3 months, Alhamdulillah.

But don't take it for granted that I have been able to do it for 7 years and 3 months, I can continue to do it for much longer. Or can I?

I have coped this long, gone through this much, and has achieved so much. I'm sure I can go on as I am.

"Really?" said a voice in my head.

"Yes, really." That's my stubborn subconscious talking now.

"REALLY?" asked the voice again.

"Yes, really! I wouldn't know how to do anything but as what I am doing now. And it has been so long living on my own, I don't think I can live with another. I like to have my room to myself, my own bathroom, my own bed. I can make my own plans without having to consult another 'half'. (Though I have to pass the review board aka parents). So, yes REALLY."

I am so well adapted to how I am now, it will be very hard to un-learn these new skills of being independent. I have forgotten how to discuss with someone about plans, sacrifices, compromises, distribution of burden and sharing. I don't think I'll make a good life partner to anyone now. I have become selfish, with the intention to survive.

Just a little ramble to myself. It's approaching midnight. Tomorrow I may feel differently.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

the luckiest of the bad luckers

I lay next to her this evening, just watching her sleep. Such peace, such beauty.

My children had gone through a lot. I sometimes wonder how they cope. I've never not had a father. My dad is still very active and I must admit, at most times forget that his children have all grown up. He is still telling us what to do and claims that he is always right. As an adult, it makes me feel insulted that my life is not respected and the decisions I make are ridiculed. He even puts on the guilt play making me choose between him and my decisions. Of course, he wins. I am his little girl and I can never live with myself with him upset. Yes, that does make me angry. But he is my daddy and I am blessed to have him. My children do not have that. They cannot remember having the father in their lives. He died when they were so young.

So, I should feel very blessed that I am privileged to have grown up with a father, a mother, brothers and sisters. I am blessed to have been married. I am blessed to have had children. I am blessed to have a job, to have health (just not today), to have met MS and to have potential for happiness.

Through all the bad luck that I have had, I think I am the luckiest.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Eleven-teen already?

Mind and body on strike today. Over-worked and over stressed results in shut down of all system. I do really need a system reboot.

So, the week ended with a snotty nose, sore throat, watery eyes, bouts of sneezes and a temperature to warm things up.

To my little princess, I'm sorry for being a bum bum head on your birthday. I know it is not everyday that one turns 11. But we'll plan something next week. Umi is just really tired today.

But we did have cake, the presents and the traditional sit down on the couch as I retold her the story of her birth. She particularly liked the egg tart fart bit..... Thank you to my sister who bought me egg tarts the night before.

And for her daddy, we said our doas. He would have been so proud to see his little girl blossom. Yes, she is a handful, but I wouldn't want it any less. We did good (and still are).

Saturday, February 5, 2011

What does music mean to you?

I love my music.

I love playing it.

I love singing it.

I love listening to it.


I like the music I listen to because it relaxes me. I don't want it to be heavy, depressing, too loud or too abstract.

I love stories in my music.

But most of all, the music I listen to reflects the stories surrounding the time the music was around. When it was playing 75 times a day on the radio, the memories that goes along with it. It isn't just the music. It's the people I was around when the music was playing. It was what I associated myself with when the music was playing. So, excuse me for the real passionate music enthusiasm out there, I love listening to Westlife and Ronan Keeting because you used to laugh at it. The music brings back your laughter. I love the predictability of the music because you thought it was crap. I love the way we used to make up our own lyrics and sing in the car when the boys were on air. I love the memory of our first born humming a boyzone song before he could even talk.

That music relaxes me. I don't have to think while listening to it because, lets face it, you don't need much grey matter for that kind of music. It also leaves my mind free to go back to my favourite places and hear him again.

Weird as it may sound, the fact that it ticked him off makes me like it even more.

stop to breath

Occasionally, we need to just pull back and take that much needed breather.

That time happened to me about 3 years after his passing. Overwhelmed by all around me, I needed a little time away from it all. It was after the initial phase of shock, disbelieve, denial and trying to bog myself down with work and study. It took me 3 years to realise that I was in a mess and the tangles brought the kids in with me.

We packed up our bags and we left. We left everything and got on a plane and flew far away. However, we did go back to a place I was familiar with. The place where I had met him.

We got ourselves sorted in that 1 year away. We managed to see things clearer. We also managed to have some closure. I think it was a form of escapism, but that's ok. Escaping from things to survive is always good in my books.

We came back fresh. We came back stronger than ever. It was the best decision I had ever made.