Sunday, August 31, 2008

Happy Anniversary

"Hellooooo" said the familiar voice.

"Hello" I replied.

"How is my wife to be?" He had that cheeky tone in his voice. It was early, but we were already up. I don't think I slept much that night. The "hantarans" took a bit longer than expected. I hope the make-up lady can get rid of the bags underneath my eyes with her magic kit.

"hahaha..." I laughed back.

Its been a long wait. Almost 6 years, and we have been very patient. I was excited, scared, happy and lots of other things I cannot mention on this blog......

"Everything ready?" I asked him.

"Yes, all ready to go."

"Ok then, I'll see you here this evening!"

The akad went well. Dad's very traditional about things. He hired some traditional malay group that played the kompang and gong that night. So, while we had the bersanding, the music played in the background. It was very nice.

The actual invites were not till tomorrow, so eventhough we were officially husband and wife, dad insisted he go home....WHAT? Wait some more? But, we obliged, and he went home.

Sorry for making you wait. I am even more sorry that we didn't get to spend more time together. I was only respecting my parents wishes. They wish alot....and can be quite demanding at it too. Sometimes, parents think they are doing the best for us. If we got married during college, would we have done as well as we did? I believe we could have, as you were my motivator and my teacher and you were just plain smart, caring and loving. How could we have not done better? I'm sorry again sayang. We wasted 6 years.....6 very precious years.

And now, here I am again. Respecting my parents wishes.

To my love, happy 12th year anniversary. We are surviving. Kids are growing well. They are smart little ones, and I pray that they will succeed here on earth and also in the afterlife. I hope they will pray and love us as much as we do for them.

And you, I will definitely see you later. We just have to wait a little while longer.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Getaway

Finally, we were on our mini break, the first we've had in over a year. Just the 3 of us. This was also the first break in Malaysia without Abang, and other family members. Since he passed away, we've never been away on our own for holidays in Malaysia. (Going home to his mum's don't count though.)

So, I decided to do baby steps first. Somewhere close. We were all quite apprehensive about it, surprisingly. Then again, this is the first drive away that we've had since I've been ill.

It was a success. We had a 'quiet' time, taking into consideration it was the school holidays. I had my sips of coffee and snooze on the balcony with the sound of the rolling waves, and the nice sea breeze in my face. I felt lullabied into a sense of ease. It was a much needed break.

Thank you for giving me the gift of still being able to enjoy the beauties of your Earth. Thank you for giving me that sense of calmness.

Overwhelmed by it all, I broke down into tears once we got home. Tears of joy, I think. I now know that we can do it, and it's going to be just the three of us for a wee while longer.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

the simple things in life

Today is the last day of my 7 day stretch of passive call. 5 more days of work before I get some time off. I decided to just sit still this afternoon and enjoy some sun and breeze. It was amazing!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Another one of those whiney blogs....

Not unexpectedly, both children came down with chickenpox. So, there we were, 3 spotty, itchy, grumpy people, cooped in the house. What a sight.....what a week. As I got better, the kids got worst. Which meant no rest for me (again).

It hasn't been an easy start to the new academic year for me. But, apparently, thats the trend with me. Nothing comes easy, but when I do reach the final destination, the reward is overwhelmingly worth it. I cannot wait for that day. I pray to Allah that I am kept strong to pursue this dream. My husband had encouraged me to continue my studies, and thats what I am doing.

It is during these few hard days (which comes in many these days) that emotions become less rational, and tears become more available. It is during these times that vulnerabilities makes me make stupid and hasty decisions. Makes me say silly things, which I will undoubtedly regret later. It is times when the mind starts to cloud with negativity that I spiral into a sense of helplessness. Its quite a dark fall. I feel nauseated.

It is also these times when I wish back for the stability and happiness that I once had. But that is just wishing for the impossible. It is also a reflection of ungratefulness. That is scary. I don't want not to be grateful. These are the times when I miss him most.

Move to keep moving on. Life is just so temporary. I keep telling myself. Get a grip! Remember, the afterlife is my destiny, and what we make of this life will determine our eternity. Its all good.

Confused? I certainly am. I am a bouncing bipolar manic depressive (skewed more to the depressive end)