Thursday, October 16, 2008

16 Syawal

At exactly 10.25am, 16th Syawal, 5 years ago, I leaned beside him, whispering the kalimah in his ears. I whispered words of love, and how proud we were of him. And though we will miss him very much, I didn't want him to suffer any longer. I said my good-byes and kissed him, as I felt his cheeks still warm and soft. He stopped breathing and I let out a sigh of relief for him. Ya-Allah, he has returned to you. Please forgive his sins and place him amongst those whom you have bestowed your Grace.

The memory is so clear, it could have just happened yesterday. Yet, it felt almost foreign, like a scene from a movie. Am I detaching myself from the past? I do not know.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Happy Eid

5th Eid without him, and you would think I have gotten used to it. Not....maybe never. It's not logical, if you think about it, that such an eventful day can go by without feeling the sadness of his absence. Even on days where there is no special event, he is always in my heart and prayers.

I sat there, watching our children play and laugh with their cousins. The boys, all approaching their teenage hood, no longer run and jump with their younger siblings. They sit and chat and laugh about God knows what while playing with their Uncle's X-Box. The younger ones are drenched in sweat while they run around, playing a game that almost appears to have an aim, laughing and shouting. The toddlers watch in envy as they try to catch up. This is what it's all about, isn't it? Family gatherings and celebrating with loved ones while we are still here.

By the end of the day, I felt warned out and needed my quiet time, as I head home. I haven't been able to sleep at my parents house in years. I hate the house, as it reminds me of his illness. He was trapped there for many months and the room he stayed in was a prison to us. I am grateful that we had a place to stay during the phase of his illness, but its too painful to stay there. The smell of the 'library' cum our living quarters is unbearable.

The kids didn't want to come back with me that night. Its ok. They gave me hugs and I drove home in quietness.

5th Eid without him, I have learnt to wear my bracelet on my own. This year, it didn't drop to the floor like it did the previous 4 years.

Happy Eid to all.