Saturday, December 14, 2013

Wishing to forget

This year marks 10. It was the first time I had wished I would have forgotten the date. I almost succeeded.

I knew it was sometime the next few days. If I didn't know, which date precisely, I could get on with the day as usual.

But curiosity killed the cat. On the day that I hoped had passed, I checked the dates. It was smack on the date he died.

So much for forgetting.

I don't think I ever will. My conscience won't let me.

In a way, could that be the reason I am still single? Finding all the ways and excuses in sabotaging my own opportunity in finding a person to share my life with. Because I can't forget?

Too old to play the game, yet wishing a little bit of romance in my life.


Too much thinking. I'm not looking.. Nothing compares to him anyway. No point in comparing and contrasting.

I've also become a bitter old b!&@¥. The bossy boss. I can't even stand myself sometimes....

But I'm successful & good in what I do. I'm also moving up the ladder & doing well in the rat race. Who dares now?

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Hiatus and Absence

Has it really been this long? The absence.... unnoticed. Last entry was July 2012.

I sit here, this evening, another quiet night as the children have both gone to bed. It is not uncommon, sitting late in the wee hours of the morning, on my own. I have accustomed to it. I've learned to enjoy it. The stillness no longer deafens me.

The absence, unnoticed.

"How long has it been?", they asked me at a recent friend gathering I had at my house. The first ever, to be honest.

"Coming December, it will be 10 years." I replied.

10 years..... my answer echoed back in my head.

10 years? Has it really been that long?

Never could I have ever imagined in my wildest dream of having survived without him, not to even mention a decade!

"You'll be ok" he comforted me.
I shook my head with disagreement.
"I won't" I whispered back to him. Then immediately regreted saying it, as I saw the sadness in his eyes.
"It isn't my choice to leave you, you know that".
I looked down on his hands while holding them.

He was so calm. Always the collected one.

"10 years? It seemed not that long ago." as we continued the social get-together. It was nice to have the mini reunion with our college friends the recent Eid.

I looked at every one of the faces that represents common friends of our past. We all studied together. We grew up together. Now, we've grown older, gone our separate ways, married with children. We look slightly different.

I closed my eyes as my living room filled with chatters and laughter. For a split second, I felt we were back in College, the familiar voices and the crazy laughs.

"Coffee?" he would ask me.

"Coffee?" I opened my eyes again.
"Yes please. Thank you" as my son offered to refresh my cup.