Tuesday, December 29, 2009


For Everything A Reason.

"The doctor wants to see you" poked the nurse behind the curtains in the emergency room, as she looked at me.

"I'll be right back Umi." I smiled at my mum.

I walked over to the the 2 doctors as they were discussing a CT scan over the viewing box. I saw the lesion from a far. It wasn't a normal scan, I told myself as I continued walking up to them.

"Looks like a bleed. But its not in the place that I would have expected." I commented.

"No." they both agreed.

But I am hoping that it was a bleed, as the thought of the other differential diagnosis was more worrying.

"We will have the on call physician see you first and see what he wants to do." said the Emergency Medical Officers.

"Would you like us to explain to your family?" they asked me.

"No, I will do that myself" I said immediately.

I called to dad and my siblings, whom had arrived to the Emergency room.

It was the most surreal experience. Again, I felt myself looking down on the scenario of me explaining to my family, like a 3rd person drifting away above the heights of the Emergency room. It was like being in a movie. I've had this experience before. I am having it again now.

"Is it serious?" Dad asked.

"We will know more after the MRI scan." I replied.

I was very frank and clear. The word tumour was mentioned.

"Well, we will have to do what is best then" said dad. Dad took the news very calm and walked back to mum's cubicle.

I had to take a deep breath, as I felt that 3rd person perspective disappear and I was whole again. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I've explained CT scans to patients, husbands, wives, sons and daughters hundreds of times before.....but it is so different when you explain it to your family. The empathy is overwhelming.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I am not Bob

With all the predicaments and recent events, I am left exhausted.

"You are not Bob. So, let somebody else fix it." He said.


The Ministry is still insisting that I relocate to fix a problem in another hospital that they have let escalate. I am not here to tell people want to do or how to do it. Everybody should be professional enough to be able to do things as per job specified. Even if it is not sincere, just do it. That is an obligation that you have agreed to when you receive your monthly pay. I don't understand why they are acting this way.

Anyway, like he said, I am not Bob. I have no intentions of being Bob. I won't be a good Bob even if I tried.

So, Mr. Ministry, half-heartedly, we may have to go our separate ways.

And you, thank you for listening.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Looks of Approval

My little prince registered himself into 'manhood' today, as the age of 12 makes it compulsory for him to get his "MyKad".
As I watched him answer the personal details requested by the officer behind the counter, he would glimpse a look at me from time to time. Looking for mummy's "approval look" to assure him that he had answered the questions right. Now, how wrong can one get when answering "what is your name", "how do you spell that" and "what is your date of birth"?
But it were those glimpses that I will cherish most. Soon, he won't need to glimpse for my approval looks anymore. Hmmmmm.......

Monday, December 21, 2009

The call

He called me after a month of silence. I was happy to hear from him, yet I cried.


Woke up after a night of restless sleep and finger nails clenched in palms. I have been having repeated dreams of snakes. I do manage to kill it, and then a big dog eats it up.

I have also been dreaming of trains, travels and good-byes. Except it is not me that is doing the traveling. It is me that is being left behind. Last night, both kids got on the train and left. I was left alone.

I prayed to Allah to show me the way. To guide me to those right decisions. To show me some signs.

Some prayers were answered. Someone put up pictures of him today. (Good old FB). I can see that he is well, Alhamdulillah. But again, that is on the exterior. When people look at me, I am also looking well. But inside me is a shattered mess. I pray that he is well. I pray everyday that he keeps his faith. I am afraid for him. I hope he doesn't feel that I have abandoned him. But it was the distance that was keeping us apart (ironically true!). But now, I can see that it was more than just the distance. I probably saw this before, but denied its existence in the wanting to be with him. I can see that we have separate lives. We live our lives differently, we have different opinions and the things that we discussed about will never change, for him nor for me. We tried to keep it for 3 years. I initially had doubts about the decisions I made. I miss him dearly. I wish that it was not like this.

He has made me become a better person. Stronger, more motivated, assertive, and right plain old stubborn, which can be good in a way, so people do not take advantage of me. He made me laugh again. He made me happy again. He made me feel alive again.

He said that I am an inspiration to him too. He said he loved me. He said we can work something out. He promised me we would be together. But, not to a fault of his, so far, he has not been able to keep that promise. WE haven't been able to keep that promise.

But, as long as I am alive on this earth, life for me must move on, just as it has for him.

Sunday, December 20, 2009


Its 2am, and I can't sleep.

Been doing a lot of thinking. Been thinking of him. Both of hims. On one of past, and one of present.

Been praying.

Been sighing.

(Just) To let you know.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Celebrations in Midst of Uncertainty

We went out last night.

A semi celebration of my 'promotion' and the acceptance of my research for presentation at the upcoming international congress in Vienna next year. That is something to look forward to.

We bought the kids shoes and uniform. (I bought the kids shoes and uniform)..... Always forever in the "we" mode.

At the end of the evening, we sat down and had some over priced ice-cream. We shared a tub and when the scramble at the beginning slowed down as satiety sat in, we managed to enjoy the remaining evening chatting with each other.

I keep telling myself not to go out shopping when I am feeling down. Other than the necessities of school uniforms and shoes, we also bought an LCD TV. I may as well spend on some luxuries while I can still "enjoy" it. (The Excuse). So there.

Friday, December 18, 2009

New Year Clutter

Today is the beginning of the new Islamic Year. It's a public holiday. Time to relax and unwind. But the more I tried, the more the mind wonders into a twisted disarray of thoughts.

Time to blog again.

I started the morning with nothingness. Laid in bed. The kids were up since Subuh and with the cousins around, they had planned another morning of splashes in the inflatable pool. (I made them change the water...)

We had a full breakfast.

I came up to my room and saw how messy it was. Just as cluttered as my head. I tried to clean it up, only to find myself looking through old memoirs and knick knacks. I suppose to unclutter, we have to hyper clutter first, sort out what was rubbish and what was not.

I look around me.... Still cluttered! A morning failed. Not a great start to the new year. Nevertheless, not a great start is still a start I suppose. As the great saying goes, better to start than not to start. Not a great saying? Wait, I don't think its even a 'saying'.

BUT, I am rambling. What I really want to say is Happy New Year, May Allah forgive all our sins in the previous year and make the coming year the best ever! And let my most precious know that I love them very much.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

3 strikes, you're out!

The Umrah visa was not issued as planned. Our trip to the Holy Land maybe postponed or canceled.. STRIKE ONE!

My plea to remain working in this state has been denied.. STRIKE TWO!

The car broke down 92 km from home today. Spent nearly RM600 at the garage.. STRIKE THREE!

Come on, give me more curve balls. What's three strikes in a day?

Spoke too soon......tummy ache. I feel a storm a brewing. Great.. STRIKE FOUR!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The price for working too hard

It has been very hot the past few days. The children brought out the inflatable pool and filled it up with water. Their cousins who lives a few doors down the road came and joined them. The splashes of water and laughter attracted the other kids in the neighbourhood, as they watched in envy.

"Nobody pee in the pool, ok?" as I looked questionably at the little one as he hopped in.

"OK" they all echoed together.

I continued on with my paperwork as the kids played on. Its their laughter that gives me pleasure of sitting down this hot afternoon swamped with paperwork. I have to get things sorted quickly at work, as we will be leaving for Umrah at the end of the week. I have been alone running the department at work, and the work became overwhelming.

Furthermore, there might be bigger changes ahead. I have been promoted. Happy? Not really. The promotion comes with the cost of relocating, and the Big Man does not believe in negotiations and reasoning. I was more than willing to let go the promotion so I can stay close to family.

As the little prince is growing up so fast, he needs his father figures around him (uncles...blood relatives...not "uncle uncles"......). I am afraid that being in a new place, having the role of the state physician in my line of specialty will be too much for me to handle without family to give me a hand with the family matters. I have seen too many unattended children in my line of work to see them run into trouble. Not that I doubt my children, as I have been gifted with such wonderful caring little souls, mature beyond their age. I just do not want to take the risk. And I am tired.....relocating means a lot of things....too many things.....Plus, the job carries a big responsibility (and great powers).

"You are a strong person and we think you are more than capable" said the Big Man. "Since you have done so well in your current position, we want you to set up the service in the next state".

What? I am happy you have all the confidence in me, but why do I feel as if I am being punished for working too hard.

"My decision holds. Its this promotion and moving, or nothing." said the Big Man again.

What again? Did he just threatened me? Is he telling me that I have no place in this Ministry if I do not take up the promotion?

"You know that I was a military doctor. I am very stern with my decisions. What I say goes. That is my job as head of the National Service". He said again.

"Yes, I know". I replied. "But I am a mother more than I am a doctor. My family comes first." and I got up, smiled at him and left his office.