Its been just over 3 weeks since mum had her seizure. The surgery went well, but she is back in hospital with an infection. A minor set back. Nothing too serious.
Why has taking care of her been so emotionally and physically strenuous? It has been so much different from taking care of my late hubby. I never felt this kind of tiredness then. Now, I feel torn apart between taking care of her, my responsibility and the guilt for not attending to my children, missing them dearly, the worry and uncertainty about work, my father's health and worrying about my new him. I do wonder now how I managed to take care of my late hubby those 4 years. How I used to get up at night to make sure he was still breathing. How I managed to drive and walk up and down the hospital, sleep on a foldaway chair while I was already full term in my pregnancy. Where is that person today? Did she die with him? I ponder at my own questions. I was given the strength then, and I thank Allah, as he had no one to care for him but me. Am I not sincere in caring for my mum? Am I such a bad person to be feeling so tired? Why has the strength not be given to me this time?
I am obsessively compulsive to do best for others.
Wanting to continue fighting a loosing battle.
Not wanting to admit that I was wrong.
Stubborn.
Today, I have decided to change myself for the better (I hope).
I will have to let go.
Learn to be not obsessive, uncompulsive.
Accept that perfection is not a realistic goal.
Learn to let go of something, even if we have worked hard for it, knowing we will not succeed.
To cut our losses.
To stop striving for the unachievable.
To let others take on the carer's role.
To let others make their own decisions. Learn to accept their decisions even if I don't agree with it, as I could be wrong.
I have been wrong.
Today I admit it.
Now, I can move on. I want to move on.
I have packed up my past. I have accepted my weaknesses. Like putting away his things in boxes, it was hard. I cherish the memories, but I cannot keep holding on too tightly to them. Tomorrow, I will move a step further. I will give away those boxes.
My love for him will never fade.
My love for my family is unmeasurable, incomparable. But I'm no superhero. I don't need to go and save the day.
3 comments:
Don't be too hard on yourself. Yesterday wasn't the same as today. for one thing, you have grown older ;).
I've got to give you my hats off - you've moving in the right direction. InsyaAllah, you'll be fine.
As for me, only Allah leads me to the right path. He so loves me by testing me and then showering me with His blessings. repeatedly. Subhanallah... Only I don't count enough of my blessings.
if there was one thing i learn from this ordeal, it's accepting my fate... REDHA and that come what may, He is watching out for me, testing me, blessing me...
alhamdulillah... great to know you are on top of things, tho not as perfect as you want it to be... the destination may be slightly blurred, so take it easy on the journey :)
D - i'm with you... not counting my blessings enough :(
D,
Older....yes. Right directions...I hope so. But it feels all wrong.
Maybe I too don't count enough of my blessings.
MHB,
Tests are made for extra blessing. I think I'm done with my share of tests. Dah le tu....cukup le. Kasi chan orang lain pulak.
Post a Comment