Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Happy Ending

I am grateful that I had spent the last 4 years of our lives together as we did. In that 4 years, I had only spent 2 nights away from him (due to work). We were always together, and his illness has brought us closer than anyone could imagine. We were close to start off with. Our 6 year romance in College was a fairy tale of dramas. My parents you see, are very protective of me. Going abroad to University at 18 I suppose was something scary for any parent. But, I had an admirer when I got there. Even the thought of it makes me smile today. He was a well respected member of our Malaysian community, he was a very smart student, athletic and as a bonus, he could sing and play the guitar! People would come up to him when they needed advice about anything. And this guy liked me? I was this outsider that didn't come from their university take. I knew no one when I got there. He was very helpful....little did I know.
Our friendship blossomed, and he became my best friend. Summer vacations and being away from him was agonising! My parents at that stage did not allow boyfriends while studying! So, I couldn't share this wonderful part of my life with my family until 4 years later. Keeping secrets were always a part of it, and until now, I still can't talk about some of my deepest feelings with my family because that was how I was brought up. I make a conscious effort that I will not do the same with my children.
Everyday of our 7 year marriage is much cherrished. We have 2 beautiful children, who are so full of life that they keep me going. His spirits are always with us. We talk about him everyday. Sometimes, however, the kids want to hear something new about their daddy. I had run out of stories....Guilty as charged, I would make up believable stories about his childhood and how I would have imagined it to be. I sometimes make up stories about things we wished we did together but didn't have the opportunity. It makes the children happy. What makes them happy, makes me happy.
I am happy, much to the disbelieve of others. I am happy how things happened the way they did, and I am happy how things ended. There will be the occasional sorrows, because I am human. There will be days where I am in denial. But those days do not come often now. Do you think time has healed me? In a way, I hope it hasn't. I wasn't injured to start off with. We parted in love, and thats a happy ending.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Form fillings.....official forms. Can't hide away from it.

"We will need your particulars and your husband's for this loan application".

Oh....ok. Ummmmm......4 years and 2 months on, and I am still in denial. People can be so stereotypical. Why did she assume that I had a husband to particulise? I stared at the application form. It had a few boxes to tick. It was a simple enough form to fill.

Status: Single, Married, Divorced, Seperated, Widowed. No box to tick for Denial.

"Are you ok madame?"

"Sorry?" I asked.

"Do you need help with the form?" She asked me.

"Oh....No. No, I am ok. Just give me a few more minutes." She gave me a smile. One of those "hurry up already will you" smiles. I looked back at the status box. Why is it so hard to tick my status? I quickly gave it a tick, signed the bottom of the form and handed it back to the lady.

"Thank you madame. Please have a seat while we process your application." I sat down in the cold waiting area. Banks are just so....banky. I never know why I get nervous at the bank. I sat patiently.

The lady came out again, and she nodded at me, indicating that I should approach the counter.

"Ok Dr. We will take about 24 hours to finalise the contract of the loan and check out your financial background. But I am sure there will not be a problem. We will contact you tomorrow. Once this loan is approved, we will deal directly with the car sales agent so you won't have to come in again. The agreement will be sent to your mailing address by registered post."

"Thank you." And I left.

Another loan to add to the list. It was a lot easier when there were two of us paying for it. I'm struggling to make ends meet. But, who would believe.....a doctor that can't afford a house and a locally manufactured car. I don't mind though, not living in luxury. Just enough to have a solid roof over our heads, meal on the table, and a bit put aside for our children's future education. I do however mind the numbness that I have on life.

The art of self therapy

My feelings and words have no correlation when it comes to sitting down and discussing about 'the issues'. I have many, you see. And it all appears to be tangled, like last year's festive lights. They are a mixture of wonderful and colourful memories, yet some are broken and missing or no longer lighting up. I wonder if blogging it all down will make it all clearer. Some people do, and it appears to be helping least superficially. I think I have nothing to loose, so I'll give it a try.
Let me see how this blog appears. First time blogger.....