F.E.A.R

For Everything A Reason.

"The doctor wants to see you" poked the nurse behind the curtains in the emergency room, as she looked at me.

"I'll be right back Umi." I smiled at my mum.

I walked over to the the 2 doctors as they were discussing a CT scan over the viewing box. I saw the lesion from a far. It wasn't a normal scan, I told myself as I continued walking up to them.

"Looks like a bleed. But its not in the place that I would have expected." I commented.

"No." they both agreed.

But I am hoping that it was a bleed, as the thought of the other differential diagnosis was more worrying.

"We will have the on call physician see you first and see what he wants to do." said the Emergency Medical Officers.

"Would you like us to explain to your family?" they asked me.

"No, I will do that myself" I said immediately.

I called to dad and my siblings, whom had arrived to the Emergency room.

It was the most surreal experience. Again, I felt myself looking down on the scenario of me explaining to my family, like a 3rd person drifting away above the heights of the Emergency room. It was like being in a movie. I've had this experience before. I am having it again now.

"Is it serious?" Dad asked.

"We will know more after the MRI scan." I replied.

I was very frank and clear. The word tumour was mentioned.

"Well, we will have to do what is best then" said dad. Dad took the news very calm and walked back to mum's cubicle.

I had to take a deep breath, as I felt that 3rd person perspective disappear and I was whole again. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I've explained CT scans to patients, husbands, wives, sons and daughters hundreds of times before.....but it is so different when you explain it to your family. The empathy is overwhelming.