Signs

Woke up after a night of restless sleep and finger nails clenched in palms. I have been having repeated dreams of snakes. I do manage to kill it, and then a big dog eats it up.

I have also been dreaming of trains, travels and good-byes. Except it is not me that is doing the traveling. It is me that is being left behind. Last night, both kids got on the train and left. I was left alone.

I prayed to Allah to show me the way. To guide me to those right decisions. To show me some signs.

Some prayers were answered. Someone put up pictures of him today. (Good old FB). I can see that he is well, Alhamdulillah. But again, that is on the exterior. When people look at me, I am also looking well. But inside me is a shattered mess. I pray that he is well. I pray everyday that he keeps his faith. I am afraid for him. I hope he doesn't feel that I have abandoned him. But it was the distance that was keeping us apart (ironically true!). But now, I can see that it was more than just the distance. I probably saw this before, but denied its existence in the wanting to be with him. I can see that we have separate lives. We live our lives differently, we have different opinions and the things that we discussed about will never change, for him nor for me. We tried to keep it for 3 years. I initially had doubts about the decisions I made. I miss him dearly. I wish that it was not like this.

He has made me become a better person. Stronger, more motivated, assertive, and right plain old stubborn, which can be good in a way, so people do not take advantage of me. He made me laugh again. He made me happy again. He made me feel alive again.

He said that I am an inspiration to him too. He said he loved me. He said we can work something out. He promised me we would be together. But, not to a fault of his, so far, he has not been able to keep that promise. WE haven't been able to keep that promise.

But, as long as I am alive on this earth, life for me must move on, just as it has for him.