Friday, May 2, 2008

Widow woes

Car problems (again) and this time it had to be towed to the garage. I was on my way to the hospital for my appointment and was feeling groggy as usual. Now, I was also causing a massive jam for morning travelers rushing to work. Luckily I was on the left lane, and managed to 'guide' the car to the left, off the road. The engine had died all together.

Who do I call? What do I do? My head was a bit light-headed from the morning heat, and side effects of the medication I was taking. Luckily, the car was still under waranty and I called up the road side help line provided by the car insurance. Gave the details of my whereabouts and the tow truck arrived 45 minutes later......phew!

Got to the garage, all sweaty and red. Greeted by my mechanics, who knew me well, since we have been coming here since 2001.
"Ei? New car kaput already?" smiled the senior mechanic. Yes yes yes, rub it in.
I gave him the keys, quick run down of what had happened, and he immediately knew what the problem was. This model was infamous for that problem apparently.
Then I plomped myself in the refreshing air-conditioned waiting room while I read some journals I had brought with me.
"oh, what can I say. If she wants to wear a tudung, she should wear it correctly" said a voice. I looked up from my journal as a lady showed me the tabloid she was reading. It was a picture of Siti Nurhaliza in some function with a drape hanging on her head and shoulders bared with a short sleeved top. "Artist" gossip never interest me. I smiled at her and continued my reading. But, apparently she wanted to have a conversation with me as she waited for her car to get fixed. "its totally her choice. If she doesn't want to wear it, then don't" she continued.
"yes" I said.
"I mean, respect those that are wearing tudung by not mocking it. She is an idol here, and what she wears will be followed by many younger girls". This lady was determined to say her mind, so I let her.
"I agree" I replied.....I was a bit tired from the morning events to dwell on siti's hair attire.
"I have 2 grown up daughters, both went to Chinese schools. The eldest is finishing her degree and the 2nd is about to enter university now."
"Excellent." I said. This topic interested me more than talking about Siti.
"Yes, it was tough for the girls to attend a Chinese stream school, but we found that the discipline was a lot better and they have done well. My two sons couldn't handle it though and left after completing primary school. They are now in Kebangsaan schools."
"How are they doing?" I asked.
"I think its just boys' nature not to be too interested in school, but they are clever boys, and are doing well. Just can't get them to organise themselves well to be disciplined enough to drive themselves. I have to tell them what to do everyday."
I smiled as I listened on to her woes.
"Its harder for me, you see." She continued. "My husband passed away 6 years ago, and I had to raise the 4 children on my own".
I looked at her with empathy.
"Oh, but you wouldn't understand. You would have to go through it yourself to fully understand how hard it is. It was hard." She kept on going. "My husband died of throat cancer. He suffered 10 months before he passed on."
I was speechless.
"I felt my world had ended. The children needed me, and I was the only one there for them. I didn't know what to do then." She said as she shook her head.
All I could do was look at her and gave her a smile, trying to tell her that I did know what she went through, as I too went and still is going through the same experiences. But I couldn't say anything to her. I was not willing to share that part of my past with her, as willing as she was with me.
"Anyway" she said, "The kids have grown up now, and my youngest is in form 1 and the eldest is about to graduate. So, I guess we did survive".
"Yes" I smiled back at her and nodded my head.
Suddenly, a man opened the door and poked his head into the waiting room.
"Have you seen my wallet?" He asked. I recognised the man as the one that was sleeping on the other couch earlier.
"You may have dropped it while you were sleeping on that chair earlier Abang" said the lady. The man looked for it in between the cushions but couldn't find it.
"Did you bring it at all when we left the house Bang?" she asked him. The man just shook his head and left to look outside the garage.
"My husband always misplaces things. I think its all age related" said the lady.
I smiled in acknowledgment.
She then left the waiting area to help her husband look for the missing wallet.

A few things crossed my mind later that day. Why was I not willing to tell her that I too had gone through those same experiences? And why was I surprised when I found out that she had remarried?

Again, my unwillingness to share my past experieneces with this lady is the reason why I am writing my feelings down in this blog. I am not ready to 'expose' myself. I feel vulnerable when people can see my weaknesses, know what's going on in my head, what i am feeling in my heart.....I am not the "Petite n Powerful" I set out myself to be. Its more of "Petite n Pathetic". Hence, the anonymity. If people know who I am, I may not be able to write this. This is my venting space, as I have lost the person who could hear me out, tolerate my detailed stories of the daily on goings, tolerate my mood swings and not question my oddities. So, for those who may have figured out who I am, keep it to yourself (for now, until I am ready).

Remarrying. I am happy that she had found another partner in life. Was her expressing her woes a way of telling me that she wasn't coping and justifying her needs to remarry? I don't know. But, we shouldn't need to justify our actions, when it comes to decisions like marriage. If 'jodoh' is there, then don't fight it. Nobody should question us as adults making these decisions. I am sure that she had thoroughly thought things through, her needs, her children's needs, her happiness, her wants and desires. I remind myself that loosing a spouse doesn't mean that our lives have stopped. We are still very much alive. And living alone for the rest of our lives is a scary and morbid thought. What normally sane person would want to wish that for themselves?

5 comments:

MHB said...

dear petite n powerful... I get you when you talk about anonymity. I'd faint if anyone from the office (except a few close female colleagues) finds out about my blog!!!

Waaa... that makcik is very generous with sharing info on her life, ek...

Hope your car is up and running now. Is yours a national car? The way your mechanic describes it, it just sounds like my local make!!! Memang problemo!!!

lilinbiru said...

dear sisters..i was just asking a few friends about the possibilities of going thru the same difficulties..macam car break down or any emergency..i mean..who do we call. we may have siblings or sedara mara nearby, but are they willing to come and help? or are frens more than willing to assist? i was planning to move back there, but these are the things that restrain me back from doing what i planned.
hope ur car is well and running.

MHB said...

sharing here again. In the last 14 months, my car had broke down twice and ran out of battery once. The first time it broke down, I called my cousin who lived near where the car had stopped and he came with a mechanic who towed my car to the workshop. The second time it broke down, I called my bro who was just 10 minutes away.Both times the car failed me was on the weekends, so I was quite 'lucky' that nobody had to rush from work to rescue me.

Then the battery kong when I was going to work. Left my car by the roadside and took a cab to work. Balik ofis, ambik cab to mechanic and ikut kereta mechanic to the car etc.

lilinbiru dear, do you have any relatives here in KL? it does help to have MAA membership for things like this (which I don't!)

D said...

Let's see, where do I start (macam panjang je komen nih!). Here goes:

car problem - am facing it right now. hunting for another second hand car and what I've been doing is just breaking into tears when I don't know what to do or decide. pathetic!(me, not you, petite & powerful)

anonymity? that word does not exist in my vocab already as EVERYONE - here in UK, my ex-colleagues, ex-school mates (count the juniors and seniors please..),family, relatives, acquaintances back home - KNOWS who D of pausetoreflect really is. sigh* so, if you talk about vulnerability, transparency, judgemental, sympathy and whatever else, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!!

All in all, Allah helps us by deciding the best. He replaces our beloved with whatever rezeki they are; be it in the form of our career achievement, our children's health and education, or perhaps even in the form of another person.

It's good to know that we are never alone...

petite n powerful said...

dear ladies,
yes, a few issues here, car woes, widow woes, anonawoes, lonliwoes...etc etc. Anonymity is my shield, and i salute you myheartbleeds, lilinbiru and d for being so open. I don't think I can raise to your levels yet, though I think I am the most senior widow here....Like they say, everybody moves at their own pace in their own way. Maybe, when I am more confident in myself, I will come out.

Lilinbiru, family will always be willing to help, even though some friends are more easy to say "yes". Sincerity of family is never comparable....something I am trying to learn myself as I have had a 'tiff' with my family...long story...another episode of blogging that will be. And I agree with myheartbleeds, MAA is a necessity.

Lonely...is such a lonely word. Yes, it is very true d that I turn to the Almighty for strength and guidance. Without these, I'd be curled up in a fetal position under my duvet in clothes I haven't changed in 3 days....heheheh...but, I am human. How strong I make myself, there will be moments, especially after a very long day, when the house finally settles, and all is quiet, lying in bed, I'd turn to my left and stroke the empty half of our double bed...So much has happened, so many stories to tell, he is missing out in seeing his children grow up, and the children is missing out in having a father.....
Al-Fatihah for all of our best friends.

PS: car is running well now.