calmness and peace

To be honest, things aren't that bad.

But things aren't that good either.

Who would have thought, ei? At 31, you'd loose your husband.

6 years later, still alone.

It's not that bad really. Honestly, it isn't. Its just a little bit lonely. That's all. But the days are so packed with responsibilities, you don't have time to think about loneliness, until when its like....11.44pm, when the house is quiet, and the kids are asleep.

I miss the snuggles and the hugs.

I miss the jokes. I miss his cheeky smile. I miss talking to him.

But I won't die of loneliness. People don't. I've never signed a death cert with "Loneliness" as a cause of death. Or a "Broken Heart".

Other than that, I am getting along quite well. I am independent and I am managing everything on my own. Kids are happy. Its not that bad.

Career going along well. I am due for another promotion. The ball is rolling very fast in that department and I am not complaining.

The plan for our big trip is underway. It'll cut a big hole in my savings, but one thing I've learnt from my husband is to cherish quality time with the kids and not to worry too much about spending on ourselves. Money can be earned again later. As long as its spent carefully. The kids will grow up soon, and I won't have these opportunities for ever.....

So, I think its time to just lie peacefully in my double bed, free from disagreement and conflicts, close my eyes, recite my kalimah shahadah and sleep......

Hot Sunny Sunday

Its a hot day today.

Things tend to boil faster when its hot.

I sat at my computer going through all the paper work that was to be handed last friday at work. But, there were PLENTY of mistakes, and I had to redo them all.

The temperature was rising steadily as the morning sun shone through my bedroom window.

Recalling events from the last few weeks, feeling all that effort put in helping my mum's recovery repaid in resentment and anger from her.

Parents can be very hurtful. The more you do, the more they expect from you. Do they not realise that I could not cope with their demands? Everybody is demanding. Parents, kids, patients, bosses. Because I could not cope, last week I decided to let a few things go. Now I feel guilty for letting things go. Is there no end to this?

I think its time to curl up into a ball.......

Disappear for a while.......

To float away, weightless of any burden......

"UMI! Can you please fill out these forms. The school fees are due."
"UMI! I can't get the Publisher to paste my document......" whah? since when is she using MS Publisher....even I don't know how to use it.

THUD! That was a quick float.....who am I kidding?

Strength

Its been just over 3 weeks since mum had her seizure. The surgery went well, but she is back in hospital with an infection. A minor set back. Nothing too serious.

Why has taking care of her been so emotionally and physically strenuous? It has been so much different from taking care of my late hubby. I never felt this kind of tiredness then. Now, I feel torn apart between taking care of her, my responsibility and the guilt for not attending to my children, missing them dearly, the worry and uncertainty about work, my father's health and worrying about my new him. I do wonder now how I managed to take care of my late hubby those 4 years. How I used to get up at night to make sure he was still breathing. How I managed to drive and walk up and down the hospital, sleep on a foldaway chair while I was already full term in my pregnancy. Where is that person today? Did she die with him? I ponder at my own questions. I was given the strength then, and I thank Allah, as he had no one to care for him but me. Am I not sincere in caring for my mum? Am I such a bad person to be feeling so tired? Why has the strength not be given to me this time?

I am obsessively compulsive to do best for others.
Wanting to continue fighting a loosing battle.

Not wanting to admit that I was wrong.
Stubborn.

Today, I have decided to change myself for the better (I hope).
I will have to let go.
Learn to be not obsessive, uncompulsive.
Accept that perfection is not a realistic goal.
Learn to let go of something, even if we have worked hard for it, knowing we will not succeed.
To cut our losses.
To stop striving for the unachievable.

To let others take on the carer's role.
To let others make their own decisions. Learn to accept their decisions even if I don't agree with it, as I could be wrong.

I have been wrong.

Today I admit it.

Now, I can move on. I want to move on.
I have packed up my past. I have accepted my weaknesses. Like putting away his things in boxes, it was hard. I cherish the memories, but I cannot keep holding on too tightly to them. Tomorrow, I will move a step further. I will give away those boxes.

My love for him will never fade.

My love for my family is unmeasurable, incomparable. But I'm no superhero. I don't need to go and save the day.

2010

As the remnants of 2009 crap is carried over into 2010, I still look forward to this new year with optimism.

I hope to change my workplace so I no longer have to work under an idiotic dictator.

The new workplace is a blank canvas where I can spread my wings and develop a service that will benefit all.

The brain surgery mum will be undergoing next week will see cure and better health ahead.

The start of teenage-hood for my little man will see him grow into a strong character, filled with Iman and Intelligence.

My little princess will bloom into a young lady, loving, giving and caring. She has always been hard working and alhamdulillah, has always done well in school.

And for those who insist that I am still young and should find someone to share my life with, may I tell you all once again that I have found my perfect match. He is someone kind, caring, and thinks me as his world, the center of his Universe, the love of his life. He is my best friend. (Bonus points: He is cute, he sings and plays the guitar) His wanting to learn and his commitment to Islam in a society where propaganda and negativity against Islam can be at times overwhelming are characteristics of a strong family leader. He adores the children. What more do we need? Though we may be thousands of miles apart, we are more closer than some people can ever be.

And may all the family be given happiness, health and wealth. May the new additions to the family (2 new grandchildren for Atok and Wan) this year bring further joy to their parents.

To all my friends, thank you. Life wouldn't be the same without good friends. May you all get my jokes this year....

May Allah grant us our prayers. Amin.