drifting

I drifted around the house this evening. My motions were slow as I saw myself in a third person. I saw my hands reaching out to check the doors and windows. My feet as they stepped on the stairs. My head slowly turning to the pictures on the wall. My hands as it turned the door knob to my son's room. My fingers running through his hair as I kissed him good night.

My little girl has started sleeping in my room again. She is not well. But I think it is more for me than for her. I needed to hear sounds of life in the still night. The sound of her breathing helps. I haven't slept in over 2 nights. I didn't go to work today.

Something is not right.

I wasn't prepared to face the patients who were also in need. I couldn't put on the frontier today. I couldn't seperate personal and professional life today. I stayed home.

Everything reminds me of you.
That man that cant walk. I see you.
That man that cant eat. I see you.
That man that is in fear. I see you.
That man that is confused with what is happening to him. I see you.

I want to help them all. I feel as if I am helping you.

But, as medicine goes, not all can be cured. Not all can be helped.

I put my hand on his shoulder. He looked at me and smiled. He patted my arms. Maybe that was all he needed.

I am tired.

I cannot sleep.

I hope somebody can give me a pat on my shoulder and say that its all going to be ok.