5th Eid without him, and you would think I have gotten used to it. Not....maybe never. It's not logical, if you think about it, that such an eventful day can go by without feeling the sadness of his absence. Even on days where there is no special event, he is always in my heart and prayers.
I sat there, watching our children play and laugh with their cousins. The boys, all approaching their teenage hood, no longer run and jump with their younger siblings. They sit and chat and laugh about God knows what while playing with their Uncle's X-Box. The younger ones are drenched in sweat while they run around, playing a game that almost appears to have an aim, laughing and shouting. The toddlers watch in envy as they try to catch up. This is what it's all about, isn't it? Family gatherings and celebrating with loved ones while we are still here.
By the end of the day, I felt warned out and needed my quiet time, as I head home. I haven't been able to sleep at my parents house in years. I hate the house, as it reminds me of his illness. He was trapped there for many months and the room he stayed in was a prison to us. I am grateful that we had a place to stay during the phase of his illness, but its too painful to stay there. The smell of the 'library' cum our living quarters is unbearable.
The kids didn't want to come back with me that night. Its ok. They gave me hugs and I drove home in quietness.
5th Eid without him, I have learnt to wear my bracelet on my own. This year, it didn't drop to the floor like it did the previous 4 years.
Happy Eid to all.
4 comments:
Happy Eid to you, sis. It's just not the same, is it??
I too have had to put on my necklace by myself for the 2nd time this year. The kids are enjoying their raya tho, so that's happiness for me.
I wanna wish you Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin kalau ada unwelcomed comments ke apa ke, ya? Moga kita dapat 'berjumpa' lagi next Ramadhan and Syawal.
P/S: Just want to share this with you. I dreamt of him last nite. In it, he was working somewhere and was supposed to come home for Eid but he took his time. Then, he left the place and went home to his mom's pulak. In that dream, I kept calling and talking to him on the phone asking him to come home as I soooo wanted to see him... and it ended like that.
Why didn't he want to come home and see me? Is he dissapointed in me? Did I do something wrong?
Dearest P&P,
Before eid, I came up with a full-proof plan to make this Raya a happy and merry one, with the kids in mind. i was to have friends over and we would also go to as many houses as possible. We sailed through the first day, Alhamdulillah, successfully.
Come the next day, I couldn't hold it up anymore. It is just awful... I call it post Raya blues, everything really sinking in... I so miss him. may Allah strengthen us all and help stop these bleeding hearts.
keep well, sis.
dear sis, selamat hari raya!
Dear ladies,
Another eventful day passed, and we are all still here, survived and surviving.
Wish everyone a happy Eid, and I too would like to minta maaf if I may have been too outspoken in my blogs and comments.
Dreams I believe is partly our own subconscious emerging in our sleep, and partly our known hopes and fears. Nevertheless, when I dream of him, it serves as an antidote for the emptiness.
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