the luckiest of the bad luckers

I lay next to her this evening, just watching her sleep. Such peace, such beauty.

My children had gone through a lot. I sometimes wonder how they cope. I've never not had a father. My dad is still very active and I must admit, at most times forget that his children have all grown up. He is still telling us what to do and claims that he is always right. As an adult, it makes me feel insulted that my life is not respected and the decisions I make are ridiculed. He even puts on the guilt play making me choose between him and my decisions. Of course, he wins. I am his little girl and I can never live with myself with him upset. Yes, that does make me angry. But he is my daddy and I am blessed to have him. My children do not have that. They cannot remember having the father in their lives. He died when they were so young.

So, I should feel very blessed that I am privileged to have grown up with a father, a mother, brothers and sisters. I am blessed to have been married. I am blessed to have had children. I am blessed to have a job, to have health (just not today), to have met MS and to have potential for happiness.

Through all the bad luck that I have had, I think I am the luckiest.

Eleven-teen already?

Mind and body on strike today. Over-worked and over stressed results in shut down of all system. I do really need a system reboot.

So, the week ended with a snotty nose, sore throat, watery eyes, bouts of sneezes and a temperature to warm things up.

To my little princess, I'm sorry for being a bum bum head on your birthday. I know it is not everyday that one turns 11. But we'll plan something next week. Umi is just really tired today.

But we did have cake, the presents and the traditional sit down on the couch as I retold her the story of her birth. She particularly liked the egg tart fart bit..... Thank you to my sister who bought me egg tarts the night before.

And for her daddy, we said our doas. He would have been so proud to see his little girl blossom. Yes, she is a handful, but I wouldn't want it any less. We did good (and still are).

What does music mean to you?

I love my music.

I love playing it.

I love singing it.

I love listening to it.

Why?

I like the music I listen to because it relaxes me. I don't want it to be heavy, depressing, too loud or too abstract.

I love stories in my music.

But most of all, the music I listen to reflects the stories surrounding the time the music was around. When it was playing 75 times a day on the radio, the memories that goes along with it. It isn't just the music. It's the people I was around when the music was playing. It was what I associated myself with when the music was playing. So, excuse me for the real passionate music enthusiasm out there, I love listening to Westlife and Ronan Keeting because you used to laugh at it. The music brings back your laughter. I love the predictability of the music because you thought it was crap. I love the way we used to make up our own lyrics and sing in the car when the boys were on air. I love the memory of our first born humming a boyzone song before he could even talk.

That music relaxes me. I don't have to think while listening to it because, lets face it, you don't need much grey matter for that kind of music. It also leaves my mind free to go back to my favourite places and hear him again.

Weird as it may sound, the fact that it ticked him off makes me like it even more.

stop to breath

Occasionally, we need to just pull back and take that much needed breather.

That time happened to me about 3 years after his passing. Overwhelmed by all around me, I needed a little time away from it all. It was after the initial phase of shock, disbelieve, denial and trying to bog myself down with work and study. It took me 3 years to realise that I was in a mess and the tangles brought the kids in with me.

We packed up our bags and we left. We left everything and got on a plane and flew far away. However, we did go back to a place I was familiar with. The place where I had met him.

We got ourselves sorted in that 1 year away. We managed to see things clearer. We also managed to have some closure. I think it was a form of escapism, but that's ok. Escaping from things to survive is always good in my books.

We came back fresh. We came back stronger than ever. It was the best decision I had ever made.

2010...Its a wrap!

Once again, we reflect of the past year and try to recall what our new year resolutions were a year ago.

It has been a mix of good and bad this year.

But I must say, we have all done pretty well, alhamdulillah.

Mum had her brain surgery and follow up MRIs have been promisingly good. She is much better in herself, but requires the daily dose of TLC from all her children. I do the best I can, though at times is never enough for some. And that includes me. I am a culprit to my own guilt. I recall taking care of my late husband. Nothing seemed to matter but him. I would walk 500 miles if it meant making him feel better. I would go sleepless if that was what it took. I was never tired. But I am tired now. Poor mum. Sorry. But, on a good note, she is meningioma free.

I resigned. Now in a new position doing exciting things. Though still not quite what I had expected and I keep having to tell myself to be patient. I'll get there soon enough. The blank canvas is being painted.

The 2 new additions to the family (my younger sister's baby and younger brother's baby) are the joy for both parents, grandparents and all their aunts, uncles and cousins. 2 healthy baby boys, which makes them grandkids number 16 and 17!

My kiddies have both done well in school and I am proud of them both. They have helped out with chores and cooking. They have taken on the new responsibilities with flying colours since we became maidless a few months ago.

My little man is now taller than me. Phew! What a relief. Being vertically challenged myself, I would not wish that for my son. Hahaha...nothing wrong with being short. It can be used to my advantage at the better of times!

And to my long distant most special friend.....I cannot believe that we are still holding strong. Well, I can actually. You are amazing and I thank Allah for crossing our paths. To you, thank you for sticking around, a "shoulder" to cry and lean on, to laugh with, and bare to hear about how my day went. To help me make those decisions, to sit down and work things out, and basically to whine and moan to. Thank you too for laughing at my jokes. (Not many do). Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving my past and my present.

And to my past, who will always be with me to this present and the future, I pray that you are kept well and be granted Jannah. We miss you dearly but have accepted with open hearts of what Allah has planned.

May Allah continue to give us rezeki, to shelter us and I can't wait to see what he has installed for me in 2011! Thank you Allah.

happy birthday abang

Another year passing.

He would have been 40 today.

We would have spent our 14th year anniversary recently.

It will be 7 years of not seeing him this December. That's exactly how long we were married.

We are reaching that equal mark. Soon, his passing will be longer than how long we spent married life together.

I'm still counting. Do I need to? Do I have to? Is it wrong to?

You know what? I can do what ever I feel I want. And today, I chose to continue counting.

So Abang, happy 40th birthday. I met you 20 years ago at your tender age of 20. Those were the days....we were young, felt invincible and the sky was our limit. We did good and I am proud to have been your wife and mother to our 2 children. They are doing well, and I cannot have asked for such beautiful, caring and lovely young people.

We miss you, and we pray that you are resting comfortably and be granted Jannah.
Amin.

Quick Entry

I've just arrived home, and sitting at the computer as I wait for the chicken to defrost.

The kids are outside, clearing the inflatable pool they enjoyed over the long weekend. Hearing their laughter now, it appears they are having as much fun emptying out the water as they had playing in it.

That's what it's all about, ei? Enjoying life's journey in all it's processes. Having fun creating it, having fun once it is created and enjoying it while clearing and ending it. It's sad that the pool will be folded up again.

But it will be inflated again in the near future. The cycle of life continues.