He won't let me sleep tonight.
It's that time of the year, 16th day of Syawal, 11 years ago, my life changed. So drastically, I was numbed. Anesthetized from the pain, the loss, the reality.
Time takes away that defense, in the hope that I've healed. I pretend to. Inside me crumbles, weakened by the strength I try to show. I succumbed this year to illness.
As I lay here now, recently discharged from hospital, tired, yet he won't let me sleep.
This year, the children sense him too. This evening, without realizing it, we sat down and looked through the photo albums. Something we haven't done in a long long time. Not that it was stated that the anniversary of his passing was exactly today. Nobody mentioned it.
"Do you remember Ayah?" My daughter asked his older brother. She had not even turned 4 yet when he passed away. Big brother had just turned 6.
"A little" he answered. I didn't dare look at them while they continued to talk, flipping through the photo album.
"Dad was tall" commented my son. "Why didn't I get the Tall Gene?" He complained.
I smiled. When I stood next to him many years ago, I barely reached the height of his armpit. My shoulders were his "arm rest" he used to say.
"Where did I get this forehead?" asked my daughter.
"My side" I replied. "Along with the short genes and flat nose" I added. The kids giggled.
This day comes twice for me each year. Once through the Islamic calendar, another with the Georgian. Both times, I try to forget. Never succeeded. Ever.
"You sleep too much" he used to complain. "Sleep sleep sleep".
"I enjoy it. It's a luxury I'd rather not miss out on" I told him.
It's 5.30 am now. He didn't let me sleep tonight.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
Too good an imagination
Somebody mentioned that I have vision, and I can get people to believe in my ideas and create something from nothing. A skill I am thankful for, as it has helped me build the team & services & infrastructure.
However, sometimes this vision of creating a world of perfection can backfire. I sometimes believe all too much in my vision, it clouds reality. I cannot see that fine line and cross over unintentionally, in a world of an almost fantasy. Ignorance & naivety feeds it. It's probably why I am always smiling & happy, I suppose.
I hate it when reality strikes. I fall from such a height, it hurts.
However, I get up and dream again, imagining & visualizing what could be. I have to believe in it. That drives me, and keeps me going. Call it crazy. But guess what? That crazy thing keeps me sane.
However, sometimes this vision of creating a world of perfection can backfire. I sometimes believe all too much in my vision, it clouds reality. I cannot see that fine line and cross over unintentionally, in a world of an almost fantasy. Ignorance & naivety feeds it. It's probably why I am always smiling & happy, I suppose.
I hate it when reality strikes. I fall from such a height, it hurts.
However, I get up and dream again, imagining & visualizing what could be. I have to believe in it. That drives me, and keeps me going. Call it crazy. But guess what? That crazy thing keeps me sane.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
My birthday month
It has been a little while since I've written.
I'm turning 42 soon. As I am thankful that God has given me my health and collecting wealth of experiences, knowledge and wisdom, I lay here thinking.
The gray hair no longer hides between the black, making their presence more prominent. They are here to stay and collectively trying to make a statement. The stripes are trendy, I say. So gray away!
The hips and tummy are prospering. Giving me shape. Not a problem.
Afternoon naps on Sunday no longer a luxury. It is now a necessity.
And staying up past midnight on a work night means a lot of people won't like me tomorrow.
The least of my problems.
What I am thinking about now is me. Kids are leaving the nest soon, and I have worked hard enough to provide for them. This Single income working mum has not done too bad. I have enough put aside for their education, and if needed, I have the resources to get more.
It's me now that I have to prepare. What will I do coming home to an empty house? Move back with my parents? Maybe...not.
I suppose when kids move out, it's almost like retiring. A job as a mummy done. The nurturing bit anyway. I hope they will still recruit this retiree for some contract work once in a while.
I'm turning 42 soon. As I am thankful that God has given me my health and collecting wealth of experiences, knowledge and wisdom, I lay here thinking.
The gray hair no longer hides between the black, making their presence more prominent. They are here to stay and collectively trying to make a statement. The stripes are trendy, I say. So gray away!
The hips and tummy are prospering. Giving me shape. Not a problem.
Afternoon naps on Sunday no longer a luxury. It is now a necessity.
And staying up past midnight on a work night means a lot of people won't like me tomorrow.
The least of my problems.
What I am thinking about now is me. Kids are leaving the nest soon, and I have worked hard enough to provide for them. This Single income working mum has not done too bad. I have enough put aside for their education, and if needed, I have the resources to get more.
It's me now that I have to prepare. What will I do coming home to an empty house? Move back with my parents? Maybe...not.
I suppose when kids move out, it's almost like retiring. A job as a mummy done. The nurturing bit anyway. I hope they will still recruit this retiree for some contract work once in a while.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Wishing to forget
This year marks 10. It was the first time I had wished I would have forgotten the date. I almost succeeded.
I knew it was sometime the next few days. If I didn't know, which date precisely, I could get on with the day as usual.
But curiosity killed the cat. On the day that I hoped had passed, I checked the dates. It was smack on the date he died.
So much for forgetting.
I don't think I ever will. My conscience won't let me.
In a way, could that be the reason I am still single? Finding all the ways and excuses in sabotaging my own opportunity in finding a person to share my life with. Because I can't forget?
Too old to play the game, yet wishing a little bit of romance in my life.
Hmmmm......
Too much thinking. I'm not looking.. Nothing compares to him anyway. No point in comparing and contrasting.
I've also become a bitter old b!&@¥. The bossy boss. I can't even stand myself sometimes....
But I'm successful & good in what I do. I'm also moving up the ladder & doing well in the rat race. Who dares now?
I knew it was sometime the next few days. If I didn't know, which date precisely, I could get on with the day as usual.
But curiosity killed the cat. On the day that I hoped had passed, I checked the dates. It was smack on the date he died.
So much for forgetting.
I don't think I ever will. My conscience won't let me.
In a way, could that be the reason I am still single? Finding all the ways and excuses in sabotaging my own opportunity in finding a person to share my life with. Because I can't forget?
Too old to play the game, yet wishing a little bit of romance in my life.
Hmmmm......
Too much thinking. I'm not looking.. Nothing compares to him anyway. No point in comparing and contrasting.
I've also become a bitter old b!&@¥. The bossy boss. I can't even stand myself sometimes....
But I'm successful & good in what I do. I'm also moving up the ladder & doing well in the rat race. Who dares now?
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Hiatus and Absence
Has it really been this long? The absence.... unnoticed. Last entry was July 2012.
I sit here, this evening, another quiet night as the children have both gone to bed. It is not uncommon, sitting late in the wee hours of the morning, on my own. I have accustomed to it. I've learned to enjoy it. The stillness no longer deafens me.
The absence, unnoticed.
"How long has it been?", they asked me at a recent friend gathering I had at my house. The first ever, to be honest.
"Coming December, it will be 10 years." I replied.
10 years..... my answer echoed back in my head.
10 years? Has it really been that long?
Never could I have ever imagined in my wildest dream of having survived without him, not to even mention a decade!
"You'll be ok" he comforted me.
I shook my head with disagreement.
"I won't" I whispered back to him. Then immediately regreted saying it, as I saw the sadness in his eyes.
"It isn't my choice to leave you, you know that".
I looked down on his hands while holding them.
He was so calm. Always the collected one.
"10 years? It seemed not that long ago." as we continued the social get-together. It was nice to have the mini reunion with our college friends the recent Eid.
I looked at every one of the faces that represents common friends of our past. We all studied together. We grew up together. Now, we've grown older, gone our separate ways, married with children. We look slightly different.
I closed my eyes as my living room filled with chatters and laughter. For a split second, I felt we were back in College, the familiar voices and the crazy laughs.
"Coffee?" he would ask me.
"Coffee?" I opened my eyes again.
"Yes please. Thank you" as my son offered to refresh my cup.
I sit here, this evening, another quiet night as the children have both gone to bed. It is not uncommon, sitting late in the wee hours of the morning, on my own. I have accustomed to it. I've learned to enjoy it. The stillness no longer deafens me.
The absence, unnoticed.
"How long has it been?", they asked me at a recent friend gathering I had at my house. The first ever, to be honest.
"Coming December, it will be 10 years." I replied.
10 years..... my answer echoed back in my head.
10 years? Has it really been that long?
Never could I have ever imagined in my wildest dream of having survived without him, not to even mention a decade!
"You'll be ok" he comforted me.
I shook my head with disagreement.
"I won't" I whispered back to him. Then immediately regreted saying it, as I saw the sadness in his eyes.
"It isn't my choice to leave you, you know that".
I looked down on his hands while holding them.
He was so calm. Always the collected one.
"10 years? It seemed not that long ago." as we continued the social get-together. It was nice to have the mini reunion with our college friends the recent Eid.
I looked at every one of the faces that represents common friends of our past. We all studied together. We grew up together. Now, we've grown older, gone our separate ways, married with children. We look slightly different.
I closed my eyes as my living room filled with chatters and laughter. For a split second, I felt we were back in College, the familiar voices and the crazy laughs.
"Coffee?" he would ask me.
"Coffee?" I opened my eyes again.
"Yes please. Thank you" as my son offered to refresh my cup.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Another Dream
I had a dream with him in it last night.
I suppose it is that time of the year, coming close to Ramadhan, that I feel the "pinch" to be more painful. The "missing him" to be more evident. The "memories" being more surreal.
We were standing together. It was like at a corner of a building, as people were passing by us. People we knew, but I don't recall them now. Then suddenly, a lady, a familiar figure, his sister I think, started shouting at him and pointing her index finger towards him.
"You are no father! You are not a good husband either" I heard her shout while angrily she pointed her finger to him.
I turned around to face him, but could not see his face. I was standing too close to see his face. But I hugged him tight as I put my arms around his waist and rested my head against his chest. He was a tall(er) man. I heard his heart beating and felt his chest move with his breathing. In the background, his sister continued to yell. But it did not matter, as hugging him was like the most comforting thing in this world!
Then I woke up.
I suppose it is that time of the year, coming close to Ramadhan, that I feel the "pinch" to be more painful. The "missing him" to be more evident. The "memories" being more surreal.
We were standing together. It was like at a corner of a building, as people were passing by us. People we knew, but I don't recall them now. Then suddenly, a lady, a familiar figure, his sister I think, started shouting at him and pointing her index finger towards him.
"You are no father! You are not a good husband either" I heard her shout while angrily she pointed her finger to him.
I turned around to face him, but could not see his face. I was standing too close to see his face. But I hugged him tight as I put my arms around his waist and rested my head against his chest. He was a tall(er) man. I heard his heart beating and felt his chest move with his breathing. In the background, his sister continued to yell. But it did not matter, as hugging him was like the most comforting thing in this world!
Then I woke up.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Widow-to-Widow
As her 6 year old daughter, laid her tired & weary head on her lap, closing her eyes, she immediately fell into deep sleep. It's been a long evening for everyone. An even longer night as they wait for daylight for the burial. It was a sudden death, her husband collapsing at work and was pronounced dead on arrival to hospital. He was well earlier that morning.
Now, she is widowed. Her husband gone from this earth forever. He was only in his 40s. They have 5 children, the youngest only 6.
The pain I felt for her was far too familiar. The tears she cried felt wet on my cheeks. Her empty heart beating was echoing in my ears. Her loss made my knees weak. What the children were feeling, only Allah knows.
As I hugged her before we left her house, a widow to another, nothing needed to be said. She knew I understood.
As people started leaving, going back to their own normal lives, hers was changed forever. My soul shifted from present to past to present again that evening. It was an emotionally moving evening, a turmoil of memories as semi healed scars were scalded again with salt.
Today, just a mere 4 days after his passing, she was out and about doing what was needed to be done. They do say that Allah only gives these challenges to those that can take the challenge. She and the children have been given a special gift, that will lift them above the rest, Insya'Allah.
I gave her a wave and smiled at her boys as they were kicking the football around their front yard, as I drove by to get on with my day, my life. May Allah give her the strength too, as it was given to me.
Al-Fatihah to her husband.
Now, she is widowed. Her husband gone from this earth forever. He was only in his 40s. They have 5 children, the youngest only 6.
The pain I felt for her was far too familiar. The tears she cried felt wet on my cheeks. Her empty heart beating was echoing in my ears. Her loss made my knees weak. What the children were feeling, only Allah knows.
As I hugged her before we left her house, a widow to another, nothing needed to be said. She knew I understood.
As people started leaving, going back to their own normal lives, hers was changed forever. My soul shifted from present to past to present again that evening. It was an emotionally moving evening, a turmoil of memories as semi healed scars were scalded again with salt.
Today, just a mere 4 days after his passing, she was out and about doing what was needed to be done. They do say that Allah only gives these challenges to those that can take the challenge. She and the children have been given a special gift, that will lift them above the rest, Insya'Allah.
I gave her a wave and smiled at her boys as they were kicking the football around their front yard, as I drove by to get on with my day, my life. May Allah give her the strength too, as it was given to me.
Al-Fatihah to her husband.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
another late night
Tomorrow is another day.
Lets get some rest now.
A lot of people are depending on you.
Lets get some rest now.
A lot of people are depending on you.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
nick names
I do wonder..... but deep inside me, I know he comes and visits. Just to make sure that I am ok.
I am ok. A bit battered, but ok.
And forever, I will always be his little Pikita, his no nose shorty. And my nick names for him...other than big nose, I cannot say as it is politically incorrect and out right wrong. But that makes it even more special...to be able to laugh at each others' short falls. YES, I said Short...ya ya ya. (he would laugh at that...and so would I).
Miss him.
I am ok. A bit battered, but ok.
And forever, I will always be his little Pikita, his no nose shorty. And my nick names for him...other than big nose, I cannot say as it is politically incorrect and out right wrong. But that makes it even more special...to be able to laugh at each others' short falls. YES, I said Short...ya ya ya. (he would laugh at that...and so would I).
Miss him.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Weekend Cap
It has been a weekend of cleaning up and reminiscing.
I have put away some of the precious momentous for safe keeping, but I have a tendency of keeping them in such "safe" places, never to be found again.
But its all "up" there and deep "in" here. While I still have my mind and my heart, it will be safe.
Then, I ended the evening with the usual clothes folding while watching telly. Tonight, the "Sixth Sense" was on.
I remember watching this with him in 1999. Before he got sick. I've always loved that movie, and we used to joke about the famous line of "seeing dead people", but in a different context.
"Did you get the issue settled?" He would ask me.
"Abang" I replied to tell him. "I see people. I see stupid people".
"That's a No then." He would say, as I nodded my head.
Tonight, watching the movie again, brought a different angle to the movie. Plethora of memories, and the closeness to relate to loss and talking to the deceased. To me, I do whisper his name at night before I go to bed. The sound of his name somehow lingers and makes his past presence seems not too far of a distant. I don't think it's a sign of insanity. Believe you me, I've done crazier things. BUT, if the room suddenly gets cold and I see vapour of mist coming out of my mouth, then yes, I will exercise my rights as a government servant to seek the best psychiatric help.
I have put away some of the precious momentous for safe keeping, but I have a tendency of keeping them in such "safe" places, never to be found again.
But its all "up" there and deep "in" here. While I still have my mind and my heart, it will be safe.
Then, I ended the evening with the usual clothes folding while watching telly. Tonight, the "Sixth Sense" was on.
I remember watching this with him in 1999. Before he got sick. I've always loved that movie, and we used to joke about the famous line of "seeing dead people", but in a different context.
"Did you get the issue settled?" He would ask me.
"Abang" I replied to tell him. "I see people. I see stupid people".
"That's a No then." He would say, as I nodded my head.
Tonight, watching the movie again, brought a different angle to the movie. Plethora of memories, and the closeness to relate to loss and talking to the deceased. To me, I do whisper his name at night before I go to bed. The sound of his name somehow lingers and makes his past presence seems not too far of a distant. I don't think it's a sign of insanity. Believe you me, I've done crazier things. BUT, if the room suddenly gets cold and I see vapour of mist coming out of my mouth, then yes, I will exercise my rights as a government servant to seek the best psychiatric help.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tiger In the Making....
Oh dear. It has been a long week. And as you can see, as the emotion goes into turmoil, the more entries I make. This week, the "enterichter" has gone off the seismic scale.
It has been a roller coaster week. Really happy adrenalin endorphin driven days followed by depressing depache mode days.
Today was a mixed bag. Started off with "Boss to Subordinate" confrontation which ended WITHOUT any slamming doors or stomping feet. I think I've learned to keep my cool. Previously when I had to confront a collegue, I would get tongue tied and heart pounding in my throat. It didn't happen this time. Quite proud of how I handled the situation. Pat myself on the back....
We then visited the new campus. Lovely place and hopefully can move in before the year end. Maybe a corner office?....In my dreams. A room with a window would do.
In the afternoon, it was teaching rounds. Again, I managed to make another cry.
Look, I am not anywhere a fierce looking nor fierce acting person. I do expect a level of performance, outcome and I do run a tight ship. Ok, am I spelling out myself as the super B*!@& boss.......???
It has been a roller coaster week. Really happy adrenalin endorphin driven days followed by depressing depache mode days.
Today was a mixed bag. Started off with "Boss to Subordinate" confrontation which ended WITHOUT any slamming doors or stomping feet. I think I've learned to keep my cool. Previously when I had to confront a collegue, I would get tongue tied and heart pounding in my throat. It didn't happen this time. Quite proud of how I handled the situation. Pat myself on the back....
We then visited the new campus. Lovely place and hopefully can move in before the year end. Maybe a corner office?....In my dreams. A room with a window would do.
In the afternoon, it was teaching rounds. Again, I managed to make another cry.
Look, I am not anywhere a fierce looking nor fierce acting person. I do expect a level of performance, outcome and I do run a tight ship. Ok, am I spelling out myself as the super B*!@& boss.......???
Shoes, Bananas and Pointlessness
It is going to be another long night. 20 papers to whiz through before Friday afternoon. We'll see how we go. And, as long as I am up, may even catch the Spain Portugal game later.
But just to side track the mind a little, I think I need some "time out" from the papers and just let my mind roll free for a few minutes.
Bananas. Yes, my mind is rolling free and it's thinking about bananas. Well, it was actually what my daughter wanted this evening. Apparently, the only way that she can run very fast for her sprint tomorrow at the school sports day is by eating bananas. And by having a pair of new running shoes. So, being the mummy that I am, we went out after dinner and we bought a pair of light running shoes...... and bananas.
Well, that was a pointless story. Maybe I'll come up with a better pointed story later.
But just to side track the mind a little, I think I need some "time out" from the papers and just let my mind roll free for a few minutes.
Bananas. Yes, my mind is rolling free and it's thinking about bananas. Well, it was actually what my daughter wanted this evening. Apparently, the only way that she can run very fast for her sprint tomorrow at the school sports day is by eating bananas. And by having a pair of new running shoes. So, being the mummy that I am, we went out after dinner and we bought a pair of light running shoes...... and bananas.
Well, that was a pointless story. Maybe I'll come up with a better pointed story later.
Monday, June 25, 2012
2am thinking.....
It is 2.04am monday morning. As the Euro 2012 fever continues, my son insists that we watch this early morning game. Its going to be a good one.
I suppose I have taken up the multifaceted role in bringing up the children. My teenage son needs that father figure and some buddy time to talk about sports and stuff. I am glad that I do sincerely enjoy sports, so its no big issue. But he needs more, and I can see that being more evident as the days go by.
Am I being selfish for staying unmarried after 9 years? I do enjoy the "freedom". Not freedom to hu-ha & party & mingle type of freedom....on the contrary. I spend less time socialising now than ever! Just don't feel comfortable about it. Even going to weddings are a torture. Anyway, when it comes to freedom, it means more towards being able to decide for myself and the kids without having to think of another person. Downside: having to decide for myself and the kids without having the opinion and help of another person.
Hmmmm......
Just a 2.04am thought.
I suppose I have taken up the multifaceted role in bringing up the children. My teenage son needs that father figure and some buddy time to talk about sports and stuff. I am glad that I do sincerely enjoy sports, so its no big issue. But he needs more, and I can see that being more evident as the days go by.
Am I being selfish for staying unmarried after 9 years? I do enjoy the "freedom". Not freedom to hu-ha & party & mingle type of freedom....on the contrary. I spend less time socialising now than ever! Just don't feel comfortable about it. Even going to weddings are a torture. Anyway, when it comes to freedom, it means more towards being able to decide for myself and the kids without having to think of another person. Downside: having to decide for myself and the kids without having the opinion and help of another person.
Hmmmm......
Just a 2.04am thought.
Independence
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Status Update
It has definitely been a while since I have been here. I suppose that is a good sign, as the reason I began writing was to de-clutter the old nutter.....
Anyway, it is a beautiful Saturday afternoon. As I sat on my wooden swing at the side porch, with the wind blowing against my face, I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness which I wanted to share with somebody. Anybody.
Out came the laptop once more as I start typing after a very long absence. This time, it isn't the whiney "OMG my life is so sad" type of blog.
Status update: hmmmmm.....I has been a good few months. I am still head of department (believe it or not), got some papers published, going to present another paper abroad at a conference soon, got my confirmation and now promoted to a higher grade. I will also be enjoying the 13% increase in pay when that gets deposited into my account next week. So, work life, no complaints.
Family life, doing well there too. My son will be receiving an award tomorrow at school for best student in English. Baby Princess is also doing well in school. Most importantly, they are enjoying their studies and I have not had to lift a finger to push them along. Mum and dad are doing well too. I've managed to loosen the strings a bit in terms of their medical care, so that they can take a bit of responsibilty on self care. Just in case I go away for a wee while, at least it doesn't leave them in a position where they can't take care of themselves.
Where am I going? Hahaha....I have big plans ahead. Lets see where fate takes me, but I will try my best to do what I have planned. Insya'Allah, if He blesses me with this new path.
Anyway, it is a beautiful Saturday afternoon. As I sat on my wooden swing at the side porch, with the wind blowing against my face, I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness which I wanted to share with somebody. Anybody.
Out came the laptop once more as I start typing after a very long absence. This time, it isn't the whiney "OMG my life is so sad" type of blog.
Status update: hmmmmm.....I has been a good few months. I am still head of department (believe it or not), got some papers published, going to present another paper abroad at a conference soon, got my confirmation and now promoted to a higher grade. I will also be enjoying the 13% increase in pay when that gets deposited into my account next week. So, work life, no complaints.
Family life, doing well there too. My son will be receiving an award tomorrow at school for best student in English. Baby Princess is also doing well in school. Most importantly, they are enjoying their studies and I have not had to lift a finger to push them along. Mum and dad are doing well too. I've managed to loosen the strings a bit in terms of their medical care, so that they can take a bit of responsibilty on self care. Just in case I go away for a wee while, at least it doesn't leave them in a position where they can't take care of themselves.
Where am I going? Hahaha....I have big plans ahead. Lets see where fate takes me, but I will try my best to do what I have planned. Insya'Allah, if He blesses me with this new path.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Taking Time Off from Work....to Work
Little Princess was under the weather today. (I should stop calling her that as she is growing up so fast.....Young Lady Princess?)
Anyway, the young lady woke up with a fever. Her brother looked at her suspiciously...
"Yes, she is sick" I assured him.
So, off he went to school and I contemplated about work. What a wonderful excuse to take the day off work to catch up on work. That sounded bad...from both a motherly perspective and a professional one too. But my instinct tells me I should try to stay at home. So, I made a few phone calls, (quite a few!...almost took me 45 minutes to settle and delegate work) and I informed the office about my Emergency Leave.
Ok, settled the young lady with her breakfast and plenty of fluids.
Then I sat at my computer and did as much work as I could.
Come midday I get a call from the The Boss.
"I'm on leave today Sir....... ok.......just today. I'll be back at work tomorrow"
There was an uncomfortable silence on his side. I knew he wanted me to come in.
"Ok, I'll make myself available. What time? 3.30pm. Ok, I'll see you then". Urgh. Succumbed to his demands (again).
Had to leave the house with Young Lady alone for a few hours until Big Brother came home. She said she would be fine.
Got to the meeting. Sat down. A red faced Caucasian was visiting, and somebody obviously forgot to put on sunscreen during a sunny outing....
I looked at him. I know this guy....where have I seen him before?
I thought very hard.....and BINGO! I know! Hahahaha....I giggled to myself. He was the spitting image of Leslie Nielsen. Great. Now I had to take the image of Naked Gun 2½ out of my head and at least try to concentrate. Hehehehe....not doing a good job at it though.
Oh well, at least I got a bit of pleasure at laughing to myself through the meeting, on my dayoff of work.
Anyway, the young lady woke up with a fever. Her brother looked at her suspiciously...
"Yes, she is sick" I assured him.
So, off he went to school and I contemplated about work. What a wonderful excuse to take the day off work to catch up on work. That sounded bad...from both a motherly perspective and a professional one too. But my instinct tells me I should try to stay at home. So, I made a few phone calls, (quite a few!...almost took me 45 minutes to settle and delegate work) and I informed the office about my Emergency Leave.
Ok, settled the young lady with her breakfast and plenty of fluids.
Then I sat at my computer and did as much work as I could.
Come midday I get a call from the The Boss.
"I'm on leave today Sir....... ok.......just today. I'll be back at work tomorrow"
There was an uncomfortable silence on his side. I knew he wanted me to come in.
"Ok, I'll make myself available. What time? 3.30pm. Ok, I'll see you then". Urgh. Succumbed to his demands (again).
Had to leave the house with Young Lady alone for a few hours until Big Brother came home. She said she would be fine.
Got to the meeting. Sat down. A red faced Caucasian was visiting, and somebody obviously forgot to put on sunscreen during a sunny outing....
I looked at him. I know this guy....where have I seen him before?
I thought very hard.....and BINGO! I know! Hahahaha....I giggled to myself. He was the spitting image of Leslie Nielsen. Great. Now I had to take the image of Naked Gun 2½ out of my head and at least try to concentrate. Hehehehe....not doing a good job at it though.
Oh well, at least I got a bit of pleasure at laughing to myself through the meeting, on my day
Friday, September 16, 2011
In the mood....for nothing
Its been a hectic, emotionally draining 4 weeks. I've been keeping myself busy with things both at work and at home. Most of work comes home though, so basically its been all work....
A big chunk has been completed, but the next wave is on it's way. I can see the tide residing before the next tsunami hits shore. I hope this little gap is enough for a breather.
So tonight, I am in the mood for nothing. Maybe a "non-gray matter required" movie? Sleep sounds good too.
Oh, how I wish I had my doses of evening comfort. Not only that, he was my pillar of strength and just knowing that he was there for me meant the world. Knowing that he was there to listen to my daily rants, give me sound advice, and someone to talk to and lean on. Then followed the doses of laughter with our silly jokes and things we are 'not allowed to say'. The sheeps and monkeys have ears you see......I hope I was as good for him as he was for me. Oh, I miss him so much.
A big chunk has been completed, but the next wave is on it's way. I can see the tide residing before the next tsunami hits shore. I hope this little gap is enough for a breather.
So tonight, I am in the mood for nothing. Maybe a "non-gray matter required" movie? Sleep sounds good too.
Oh, how I wish I had my doses of evening comfort. Not only that, he was my pillar of strength and just knowing that he was there for me meant the world. Knowing that he was there to listen to my daily rants, give me sound advice, and someone to talk to and lean on. Then followed the doses of laughter with our silly jokes and things we are 'not allowed to say'. The sheeps and monkeys have ears you see......I hope I was as good for him as he was for me. Oh, I miss him so much.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
"Hi! I'm sitting under an umbrella in a building....."
These are the quirky weird things I like telling him.
And yes, I am sitting under an umbrella in a building, drinking expensive coffee and eating dry cake that tastes like cardboard. And yes, I have tasted cardboard.....so,there is a point of reference there.
Anyway, on duty for the next three days. Kids are not with me and I already miss them terribly. But I will take this opportunity to write up my paper in record time. I have 2 days to write the paper! Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can.
But blogging will not help with my mission though....
These are the quirky weird things I like telling him.
And yes, I am sitting under an umbrella in a building, drinking expensive coffee and eating dry cake that tastes like cardboard. And yes, I have tasted cardboard.....so,there is a point of reference there.
Anyway, on duty for the next three days. Kids are not with me and I already miss them terribly. But I will take this opportunity to write up my paper in record time. I have 2 days to write the paper! Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can.
But blogging will not help with my mission though....
Monday, September 5, 2011
Post 101
Yes, it's post number 101.
Hmmmm......either I have too much time on my hands, or I spend too much time at the PC. But writing does help with untangling the thoughts, especially when you really don't have that special someone to talk too.
Don't get me wrong, family support has been the greatest, and I could not have asked for any better. But for those that are "spoused", you know that there are things that only spouses can be told, where the info is received and digested. Or it could be that they have no choice but to receive and digest. Nevertheless, they are there.
And I miss that.
Hmmmm......either I have too much time on my hands, or I spend too much time at the PC. But writing does help with untangling the thoughts, especially when you really don't have that special someone to talk too.
Don't get me wrong, family support has been the greatest, and I could not have asked for any better. But for those that are "spoused", you know that there are things that only spouses can be told, where the info is received and digested. Or it could be that they have no choice but to receive and digest. Nevertheless, they are there.
And I miss that.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Trying to Keep the Ties
I'm not sure how to keep the ties strongly bonded after his mum passed away in May. This year will be the first Eid without her back at Kampung.
"Umi, will we be going back to Teluk Intan?"asked the kids.
We have never failed to go back to visit during Eid festivities after his passing, except for the year that we were abroad. The reason was mainly to visit his mum and cousins.
Now that she is gone, the house has been left unoccupied. We no longer have a place to go home to. My sister in law has a house there, but it is just not quite the same.
We decided to do a day trip back on 3rd Eid.
The trip there was a smooth drive as the roads were relatively empty. We chatted in the car, as the kids kept me talking (and kept me awake). We recalled the first few trips home after their ayah passed away. Little Princess was barely 4 years old. She took the drive back to Teluk Intan very badly, crying and screaming most of the way there. I wonder what was going through her head then. She must have felt so confused, and the trip must have been an emotional drain to her. When we reached Grandma's house, she refused to get out of the car....The whole neighbourhood must have heard her scream.
Gradually, just like everything else, things got better.
We reached Teluk Intan in good time.
"Can we see ayah's old school?" a favourite request by the kids.
"How did ayah go to school?" they asked.
"Ayah walked to school." I replied, and another favourite story about how he had lost his shoes walking in the mud after heavy rain was told again.
We drove the long way to my sis in law's house so as just to drive by mum's place. We slowed down as the kids looked on. The house from the outside was clean and very empty. Her pot plants on the car porch were no longer there. It was lifeless. No cars, no grandchildren gathering and sitting out on the porch this year, all the windows closed shut.
We got to my sister's place just in time for lunch. It was a lovely lunch cooked by my niece. We chatted about the woes of sibling squabbles and issues about inheritance. I hope they can work things out. Only my other sis in law was there. None of the other siblings came home this year. A true test of keeping ties strong. Being an in-law, I am not sure of how to keep it strong. I wish Abang was around. Even though he was the youngest, he would and could knock some sense into them.
After a very full and filling lunch, I dozed off. Yes yes, spare tyres in the making....
By 5pm, refreshed after a nap, had some tea, it was time to head home.
We stopped by to visit his mum and dad's grave.
Then the usual Petai purchase at Bidor.
The trip back was a lot heavier in traffic volume. We got home at 10pm. Tired but satisfied. As the kids grow older, I hope they will continue to keep the ties strong with cousins on their dad's side.
"Umi, will we be going back to Teluk Intan?"asked the kids.
We have never failed to go back to visit during Eid festivities after his passing, except for the year that we were abroad. The reason was mainly to visit his mum and cousins.
Now that she is gone, the house has been left unoccupied. We no longer have a place to go home to. My sister in law has a house there, but it is just not quite the same.
We decided to do a day trip back on 3rd Eid.
The trip there was a smooth drive as the roads were relatively empty. We chatted in the car, as the kids kept me talking (and kept me awake). We recalled the first few trips home after their ayah passed away. Little Princess was barely 4 years old. She took the drive back to Teluk Intan very badly, crying and screaming most of the way there. I wonder what was going through her head then. She must have felt so confused, and the trip must have been an emotional drain to her. When we reached Grandma's house, she refused to get out of the car....The whole neighbourhood must have heard her scream.
Gradually, just like everything else, things got better.
We reached Teluk Intan in good time.
"Can we see ayah's old school?" a favourite request by the kids.
"How did ayah go to school?" they asked.
"Ayah walked to school." I replied, and another favourite story about how he had lost his shoes walking in the mud after heavy rain was told again.
We drove the long way to my sis in law's house so as just to drive by mum's place. We slowed down as the kids looked on. The house from the outside was clean and very empty. Her pot plants on the car porch were no longer there. It was lifeless. No cars, no grandchildren gathering and sitting out on the porch this year, all the windows closed shut.
We got to my sister's place just in time for lunch. It was a lovely lunch cooked by my niece. We chatted about the woes of sibling squabbles and issues about inheritance. I hope they can work things out. Only my other sis in law was there. None of the other siblings came home this year. A true test of keeping ties strong. Being an in-law, I am not sure of how to keep it strong. I wish Abang was around. Even though he was the youngest, he would and could knock some sense into them.
After a very full and filling lunch, I dozed off. Yes yes, spare tyres in the making....
By 5pm, refreshed after a nap, had some tea, it was time to head home.
We stopped by to visit his mum and dad's grave.
Then the usual Petai purchase at Bidor.
The trip back was a lot heavier in traffic volume. We got home at 10pm. Tired but satisfied. As the kids grow older, I hope they will continue to keep the ties strong with cousins on their dad's side.
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